Everybody likes to stay up late sometimes. But when you really need to just totally ruin the following day for no good reason, we’ve written a handy guide on how to stay up even later, with even less rationale behind it. Here are some fun and exhausting ways to stay awake well past a reasonable hour for no other reason than simply throwing your productivity out the window tomorrow.
Destroy your internal clock.
First things first: You can’t stay up all night if you have a working sense of time. Push your bedtime back an hour every night until you’re totally out of sync with the rest of society, for no real reason other than to fuck your shit up BAD the next day. The first few times you try this, your body will say, “Oh fuck! This isn’t what my body is supposed to do,” but eventually it will say nothing because it got too tired for no real reason other than to make tomorrow a hellscape for you. Then and only then will Monday at dawn seem like a perfectly sane time to start watching the entire third season of Gossip Girl.
Refuse to learn from past experience.
Forget all about how you dozed off in mid-salad, then again while writing an email and then again in the elevator as you left work, because the best way to stay up late for no good reason is to forget all the other times you were supposed to learn to fucking know better. Refusing to learn from your experience can help you stay awake playing Neko Atsume: Kitty Collector throughout many more nights to come, for no other reason than turning every morning into a waking nightmare.
Don’t stop drinking coffee until after 3 am.
After 3 am is good time to stop drinking coffee. You might find this tip pretty obvious. But did you also know the caffeine will remain in your system several days from now, whether you still want it there or not? Stay caffeinated until you’re muttering “Why do I do this to myself?” over and over again, while pacing the floor until your morning alarm goes off.
Do exhaustive, irrelevant research on nothing important.
Don’t skip this step! Do your own exhaustive research that bears no relevance to anything at all. Start by reading the “Early Life” section of Rachel Weisz’s Wikipedia page, then forget what you read and randomly click your way onto a BBC article about parakeet flight patterns. As the sun rises, foray into chia seed pudding recipes. Tomorrow will eventually be ruined by your decisions, but at least you’ll be an expert on female saints of Medieval Ireland!
Think about how you could’ve used your time to learn a second language, like Icelandic.
Wow! Letting this one sink in should do the trick.
Even the earliest worms don’t stand a chance when you’ve pushed through to sunrise using these helpful tips to make your workday more like a waking dream. Now get out there and face this terrible day you’ve created!
