Thanksgiving with family is always a turbulent time, and the only thing more tempting than dessert is to correct Uncle Barry when he says, “The real fake news is the mainstream media!” Since you’ll never, ever change their minds, here’s how to use a common procedure to make sure that you don’t give into the sweet temptation of familial civil war this Thanksgiving Day.
Consult Your Doctor
First, speak with a doctor about your needs. Most doctors are hesitant to prescribe a jaw-wiring for dietary needs or just keeping your mouth shut, but once you explain that you’re the only liberal person in a family full of Trump supporters and you have a talent for burning bridges, she’s gonna be clamping it down in no time. Once your doctor understands that wiring your jaw shut is the only way to keep words from passing through your lips and immediately dismissed as “rude” by your family, she’ll be happy to complete the procedure. After all, it’s a matter of physical and mental safety for everyone that you not speak this holiday season.
Make Yourself Some Early Thanksgiving Food
Being on a liquid diet for Thanksgiving Day is a bummer, but food is the second most important part of Thanksgiving—the first is not killing your entire family and leaving their bodies to rot in four pots of sweet potatoes. So chow down before Thanksgiving and on the big day, just squish cranberry sauce and gravy through the little gaps in your teeth. The more food that gets in there, the less space there is for words to get out!
Apply The Wires
The process of wiring your mouth shut is basically getting braces on your teeth, except then the top and bottom braces are connected with a wire. So stock up on wires to make sure your jaw is shut real good. This is the only way you’ll be able to get through this big delicious meal without giving into temptation of the sweet, delicious facts you enjoy during the rest of the year. You’ll be drooling for a knock-down drag-out verbal war with your family, but you can’t start one if all they hear is grunting when you try to scream, “THAT IS MISINFORMATION!”
Bonus: Glue Your Lips Shut, Too
Having your jaw wired shut is a sure way to prevent any morsel of political talk getting past your tongue. The only problem is there are some words that are still clear as day when said through a clenched jaw. So you can sit and rant through most of the meal. Yikes! That’s why you should have a fully sealed or cemented mouth. So super glue those lips together and worry about the side effects of that later.
This Thanksgiving, getting your jaw wired shut will help you curb the nasty cravings that come when you’re surrounded by piles of nonsense coming directly out of the people you claim to love. Happy holidays and good luck!