How to Sleep Knowing Someone Is Counting How Many Spiders Go in Your Mouth

If you’re afraid of the statistic that says you swallow, on average, eight spiders in your sleep every year, join the club! But do you know what’s even scarier than that? The fact that somebody actually had to gather that data in the first place. Here’s how you can still manage to sleep at night even though someone is apparently counting how many spiders go in your mouth:


Rely on timeless methods of sleep induction.

A sleep mask, blackout curtains, and counting sheep are just the ticket to get your snooze on instead of checking to see if someone’s conducting a clinical study at the foot of your bed. If that’s not enough, go ahead and hit the Nyquil, baby! That way you have no choice but to fall asleep. You can wait until morning to fret over the fact that there was likely someone sitting next to your bed, watching your every spider-filled breath last night.


Remember that it’s an average, not a precise number!

You might only swallow three spiders in your sleep every year! Try to take solace in that fact, even though, regardless of the number of spiders you inadvertently consumed, there was definitely someone in your room counting them.


Enlist the help of a trusted friend to watch you sleep.

Remove the stranger from your room entirely by asking someone you know to stay up all night observing your spider-swallowing habits. Make sure they’re good at counting, though! You don’t want to inadvertently report inaccurate data to the secretive government agency dedicated to reporting accidental, sleep-related spider consumption. People rely on that information!



Get your eight spiders out of the way all at once.

If you get your projected eight spiders a year out of the way in one fell swoop, then you can finally sleep in peace, knowing it’s impossible for you to swallow any more. That’s how statistics work! Plus, this means your Designated Watcher can finally go home to their family and start swallowing some spiders of their own.


That’s it! These tried-and-true methods will have you sleeping soundly in no time – just try not to think about the actual logistics of a spider crawling into your mouth. Somebody’s already paid to do that!