If you’re reading this, you’re probably in the bathroom mid-date and googling “Fuuuuck….am I wearing a wedding dress on the first date?” Yes, you are. But girl, it’s FINE. It’s happened to the best of us. So stop beating your chest à la Marky Mark in Fear, and let’s get down to business. First things first: Do you think he noticed?? You’d be surprised at how much stuff some guys don’t pick up on. If he has noticed, then you’ve got to play it cool and choose which persona you’re about to commit to.
1. The Actress
You are preparing for an upcoming audition (“This new, hush-hush Tilda Swinton-directed film”) by doing what any true artist would do: living and breathing your art. “You know…like Daniel-Day Lewis? Ever heard of him?” And then you’ll drink your date’s milkshake and he will be TURNED ON by both your confidence and movie references. Your commitment to the craft may even inspire him to drain his retirement fund on Hamilton tickets for your second date. That’s right – SECOND date.
2. The Journalist
You are a serious journalist and legally obligated to disclose to him that you’re writing an article about what would happen if a girl showed up in a wedding dress on a first date. (“Crazy, right?!” you’ll say with a laugh.) If his ex-girlfriend used to make him watch SATC, he might even say, “So you’re the Carrie of your group!” And you’ll be like, “Haha, yes! Totally!” But internally, you’ll think, “When people compare me to Carrie Bradshaw, I have to wonder, does that mean I dress like an unsupervised five-year-old?” And the answer, of course, is yes – because you are wearing a wedding dress on a first date.
3. The Adorkable Girl
You are just so quirky and DTC—“That’s ‘down to clown,’ you bozo!”—and you thought it would be a real hoot to show up in a goddamn wedding dress! He, too, will think this is hysterical, and then you’ll both dance across the city streets like Frances Ha until you arrive at a 42 Squirts for some froyo. No marriage going on here, guys!!
4. The Girl with the Amazing Tan
You got an amazing tan this weekend when you were wearing your bikini (“bikini” is a sexy trigger word for some guys) and you knew a white dress would make that tan POP. But as luck would have it, your go-to white dress is at the cleaners and the only other white thing in your closet was this “first holy communion” dress, which “embarrassingly still fits” because you’re “so petite” (but really because it’s a wedding dress!). Great tan, don’t care!!
5. The Marina Abramović
Look him in the eyes and say, “I could get in a lot of trouble for telling you this, beautiful stranger, but our date is actually part of the new Marina Abramović performance art installation.” He will be confused. This is your cue to confuse him more. “And the other thing is…I am Marina Abramović.” Needless to say, he will be under your visionary spell and will suggest that your future children be given a live-birth at the MoMA.
6. The Straight-Up Liar
We’ve all met someone who’s a master at denying things. Why not let that person be you? “You’re…wearing a wedding dress,” he’ll say. And all you have to do is look at him like he’s crazy and respond, “No, I’m not. Are you feeling okay?” And your steadfast conviction will inspire him to question his eyesight and if he is in fact feeling okay.
Once you’ve chosen from among these surefire plans, it’s time to flush that toilet, pick yourself up from your garter straps, and get back out there, you beast! And if he can’t handle you at your “wearing a wedding dress on a Tuesday at 6:30” then he doesn’t deserve you at your “YAS KWEEN SLAY!!”