With everyone stuck inside, and a majority without any feasible sex partner other than themselves, people seem to be touting and lamenting the unprecedented levels of masturbation now in their schedules. You don’t want the world to know that fucking only yourself and doing so frequently is your norm, so here’s how to pretend you’re masturbating more than before.
Bring up how much you’re masturbating a lot.
If you want people to think that this quantity of J-ing O is unusual for you, you need to be constantly talking about it. Say things like “Ouch! My bits are achin’. Must be masturbating too much for the first time in my life since we’re all bored and alone all the time: A new experience for you and me alike!” You can share how much you’ve been jerking it among friends, on Twitter, or even at that weird Zoom party for your cousin’s engagement. Any platform works so long as you get everything thinking, “They sure didn’t talk so freely and excessively about masturbation before, so this must be new for them.”
Express your disdain for the concept of masturbation before quarantine.
Don’t be afraid to really sell this one. Wonder aloud to anyone who will listen, “What kind of pathetic lose-o would masturbate frequently before all of this COVID stuff? I’d rather just have mutually fulfilling sex with someone else, but of course, now I can’t.” If someone challenges the position and suggests that there’s nothing wrong with masturbating, simply double down indefinitely until they’re so uncomfortable they cease to engage. It’s worth it to save face.
Accuse others of lying about how much they masturbated before.
If you want to divert attention from yourself, the best way is to make baseless accusations against others. Next time you see someone claiming to have upped their diddling in recent weeks, call them out on their lies. They’ll be so taken aback, they’ll never once think that you are perhaps projecting.
So try these tips that will allow you to keep on making sweet love to yourself on the reg, just as you always have. With your subtle and effective control of the narrative, no one will ever suspect a thing. Keep grinding!
