How To Pretend Your Back Is Sore From Sex And Not From Moving A Table

Yesterday you had that grand idea that moving your dining room table would bring a more centered feeling to your life, but you pinched a nerve in your back in the process. Can you still go to Britta and Jason’s housewarming tonight? Of course! Here are some simple ways to convince partygoers you’re sore not from that clunker table but from a night of endless grinding.


Use Ambiguous Phrases

When conversing with your peers, make sure to use phrases that could describe any kind of physical activity. Phrases like “Man, that was ROUGH” and “You should have seen my finishing move. I rode that hard surface all the way to the ground” will allude to sex imagery while still technically being true. No one will question your vitality when you literally fall to the ground unable to move for 20 minutes.


Smirk a Lot

Give a little half-smile whenever you touch the small of your back to quell your blinding pain. This way, people will know you’re thinking fondly of the source of the pain and they’ll definitely create their own fantasy. Maybe they’ll assume that you can’t move because of a hot night tangled with a girthy dick instead of a sweaty afternoon tangled in the girth of your table’s monstrously heavy legs.



Groan Softly And Look Away Longingly

Be sure to turn your attention upward once in awhile, as if you are reminiscing about that final push that made you brilliantly orgasm and not the actual final push of jamming the table in the corner and destroying your spine. Give a soft, sweet groan when you have to stand up as if to say, “This was worth it” as lasers of pain beam out of your eyes.


Don’t Bring Up The Table

Just don’t bring it up. Don’t tell people that you had nothing to do yesterday except stare at your living room until you decided that everything needs to be moved. Don’t detail how the lamp crashed to the floor in the process and you cried because an ex-boyfriend gave you that lamp. Don’t mention how you were also planning to move the couch if that fucking table didn’t turn you into a real-life gargoyle. And don’t bring up that stupid table that actually looked better where it was originally.


Use these tips as much as possible to get the most social mileage out of your hurt back. The table will stay there for many months but the impression you leave on your peers that you are a celestial sex voyager will be around for at least the rest of the party.