The 9-to-5 routine can dull even the lightest of spirits, but every now and then, life has the capacity to surprise us—with a new plant on the table by the office meeting room! Seize this opportunity to revel in the endless mystery of all the wondrous life on earth and in your cubicle. Be sure to involve everyone in the office in your joy—that new plant could be the biggest thing to happen to you all week, or even all year!
The first time you see the new plant you are likely to gasp with a joy you haven’t felt since you managed to squeeze into that bandage dress for your ex’s birthday drinks. Each subsequent time you see the plant, let your delight evolve from a silent inward breath, to a giggle, to an inappropriately erotic “aaahhh,” while lightly tickling the leaves with your fingers. Life is meant to be lived, and this plant is living a fuller life than you ever have. Celebrate that!
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it, too.
It’s been months since you talked to your coworkers about anything other than how impossible you’re finding the new intranet system, and whether or not you’re about to be fired. This plant is your new “in” with everyone. From the hot guy who saw you crying in the stairwell last week, to your boss’s boss’s boss who also saw you crying in the stairwell last week, this plant is your way to connect with people in a light-hearted and semi-work-related manner!
Endow the plant with a personality.
Everyone in the office is always asking you when you’re going to have kids, so take this new arrival as an opportunity to rehearse for the motherhood your coworkers are so keen for you to experience. Give the plant a cute nickname based on its perceived character attributes. For example, if it’s a stubble little cactus who seems male, name him something like like “Mr. Plant” or “Plant-y Grump” and endow it with a curmudgeonly but loveable personality. Tell your coworkers that the plant “just won’t budge on the Boston account!” and “is looking forward to a peaceful weekend at the lake!” They’ll respect your warm, united sense of humor almost as much as your ability to manage accounts!
Project manage a new plant display in the office.
Why don’t people take you seriously at work? Your style is businessy but not unfriendly, you switched your customary high ponytail to a low one, and you bought a really cute dachshund-print decal for your work laptop! Still, this plant is your chance to be seen as a real contender. Volunteer to oversee a large indoor plant display in the office, with a backdrop that suggests a rainforest, a deciduous vista, or even the desert. Remember, success is about seizing opportunities that make you look ambitious, or at least nice.
Overreacting to the new plant in your office is bound to get you noticed by everyone at work. Also, feeling #AllTheFeels about the new plant will save you having to engage with anything else you may be feeling! Your 9-to-5 just got bearable!