I’ve Killed Almost Every Plant and One Graphic Designer in this Office

We’ve all gone through that awkward adjustment period at a new office, but sometimes it can be more challenging than you expect. When I was hired as an office manager at my office, I knew I’d have plenty of daily chores on my agenda—straightening up the reception area, planning birthdays, hanging fridge policy reminders in the break room—but I didn’t expect to get stuck taking care of office plants or dealing with annoying graphic designers. When they told me I’d be in charge of watering the plants and not taking out my murderous rage on the design team, I was like, “Uh oh, this isn’t going to end well!” And I wasn’t wrong: Despite my years of experience in the administrative field, I’ve somehow managed to kill both in my first month.


Ugh! This is so “typical me”!


I guess I’ve just never been big on plants or people who correct you when you call a typeface a font. I knew I’d screw things up here somehow, but that’s not entirely my fault. I mean, nowhere in my official job description does it even say anything about watering plants or resisting murder when it comes to smug multimedia developers! They can’t just expect you to know these things without some kind of warning, right? FML!


It’s easy to make mistakes at a new job, especially when expectations aren’t clear. Within my first week I’d over watered some plants, under watered others, and plotted my attack on Tim, one of the graphic designers, should he continue to speak to me in a condescending tone. And there wasn’t another employee in sight offering to help me adjust to my duties.



Look, I’m not a bad office manager. Aside from a few little typos and several hours of police questioning (which were ultimately fruitless, as I left no trace), things have been going pretty smoothly around here. In fact, ever since the day I brought in bagels and Tim had to go away, people have been REALLY, almost inexplicably nice to me.


So yeah, some plants and a designer are dead. But other than that—not bad!


I must be doing something right. I know how to make flawless spreadsheets, deal with a variety of vendors, and find the perfect storage closet to hide a body. What more could you want in an administrator? In fact, plenty of things are looking up since I’ve snagged this job, like my love life. I think Detective Reyes has a little crush on me—he keeps leaving these cryptic voicemails asking me to come visit him down at the station. That’s pretty forward if you ask me, most guys don’t like to be bothered at work! I should get back to him soon, but I have work to do. Someone keeps stealing Chobanis!