How to Not Feel Threatened By Babies Even Though You Should Be

It’s a known fact: Babies are huge threats to most adults. They’re little balls of unlimited potential, have perfect skin, and will almost certainly outlive us all. They also have the advantage of our entire species being evolutionarily conditioned to fawn over them. It’s hard to beat, but here’s how to not feel threatened by those tiny little babes, even though we all really should be.


Avoid thinking about who they’ll grow up to be.

By far the scariest thing about babies is their infinite unrealized potential, and thus it is advisable to avoid dwelling on who the baby will be when they grow up. Don’t think about how they could be the next Republican president or your future boss who fires you for being too old. It is also helpful to avoid thinking about how they could be anything since they haven’t picked the wrong college major or done any weird career pivots yet, oh god, oh no, this baby is so powerful.


Realize they’ll probably look as bad as you when they’re older.

It’s easy to feel threatened by a baby’s appearance. They have literal baby soft skin, while yours is marked with wrinkles and spots by years of forgetting to put on sunscreen and adult acne. Ease your apprehensions by remembering that when that baby gets to your age, they’ll probably have imperfections and look terrible too, that is unless they develop technology to stop aging during the baby’s lifetime, long after you die. Then, unfortunately, the baby has got you beat.



Wait until they need their diaper changed.

Perhaps the most humbling thing a baby can do is shit itself. If you have attempted the techniques above, and still find yourself threatened by this baby, wait until it defecates in its diaper. This will remind you that despite its infinite potential and flawless skin, it is still just a fucking baby. You haven’t shit your pants in like 6 months, because you’re an adult!


Employ these techniques the next time you encounter a baby who threatens you in order to regain your confidence. But make no mistake: every baby is still a threat. They are just waiting for you to let your guard down.