You might not be famous enough to have your worth validated by a real live Rolling Stone writer, but don’t let that stop you from living your life like you are! The glamorous lifestyle a horny male writer dreams of fucking can be yours! With a few adjustments to your beauty routine and self-esteem, you can live your life as if the horniest journalist is being paid to write about you—here’s how to be even more beautiful and mysterious than he imagined you to be in person!
Have a flaw, but a hot flaw.
Horny middle-aged writers want to feel as though their attraction to 20-year-old actresses is an act of charity, so it’s important to cultivate a flaw that men can generously overlook. Obviously, it can’t be something gross or unattractive. How about a voice that’s so soft it requires him to lean closer you, or a frame so small and vulnerable that you constantly seem in danger, or freckles?
Resemble food as much as possible.
Male writers love to compare women to food, and why wouldn’t they? When dressing, grooming, and presenting yourself, try to channel berries, cake, cream, honey, and even pie. Ideally, your theoretical Vanity Fair profile would also be suitable for publication in Bon Appetit. You are a very appetizing subject!
Remember that you are the rare exception to the rule that talent and beauty can’t coexist.
No woman has ever been both good at things and attractive to men… until you. Remember your rare blend of traits as you wiggle to your meetings. Be his living proof that other women just aren’t good!
Dress sexy, but like it was an accident.
Hey, no one ever told you that a shear off-the-shoulder top was sexy. What does sexy even mean, really? You just wear what you could find in your closet or whatever is comfiest. Don’t wear makeup, either, idiot. You are an accidental angel and any Harvard degree with a boner would love it.
Vigorously compare yourself to other women.
Stop seeing yourself as a singular being and embrace that you are more of a Frankenstein-like composite of the beautiful famous women who came before. Precision is key; if you can break yourself down to 30% Kiera Knightley bones, 20% Cara Delevingne eyebrows, 15% Beyoncé smile, and 30% tits, you’re doing it right. The remaining 5%? That’s that something that makes you special, kid.
Never lose focus on what matters: this imaginary male journalist who is kind of an asshole but still manages to have several broken relationships throughout his life but will still find a way to make it sound charming. Congratulations! Now you are now ready to be objectified by a journalist—just like every little girl dreams when she imagines her successful career!
