Sup, expectant moms. When you’re riding a killer wave of nausea in the morning, do you ever worry that your baby might be born uptight? There’s a lot of parenting advice out there that puts your child at risk for being a total buzzkill. They don’t test for harsh vibes on an amnio, so you’re gonna have to prepare yourself with these sick tips:
Harsh: Bucket hat
Chill: Zinc oxide
Lots of moms will say “Bucket hats provide 360° protection from UV rays,” but scientific research shows that babies look grody with old dude hats all up on their domes. Protect your baby’s beak and up her chill factor with some McConaughey-style nose grease. She’ll look like a chill-ass lifeguard who’s all, “Hey everybody, let’s trespass into the protected dune at midnight and watch some majestic turtle eggs hatch.” You know that lifeguard is chill AF. “Yo, you better not be doing ollies off my baby!” “That’s dumb, bro, she doesn’t have any rails.”
Harsh: Removing suffocation risks
Chill: All the bag toys in the world
SIDS stands for “Slow It Down, Son!” Babies only suffocate when their energy flow gets blocked with negative thoughts like, “THIS BAG IS NOT A TOY.” Don’t let The Man’s dry cleaning bag safety warning get you down. If your baby wants a large plastic bag to be a toy, just let the good vibes roll. Some other cool toys might be a Lego ponytail or a bottle cap. Whatever, man. If she wants to sleep on her stomach, that’s her business, man. Can’t wait for her to come back from buying us beer so we can have a dope uke jam sesh.
Harsh: Covering electrical outlets with plastic plugs
Chill: Connect baby to a windmill
Look man, if you’re gonna pop out a kid, you gotta start thinking about synergy. Put your hands up, then move them together so your fingers interlace. That’s synergy. You want that. Don’t waste energy by covering up your outlets with harmful plastic. If your baby wants to be a sick conductor of electrical currents, put her to work by hooking her up to a sweet windmill. That way, you can… create… wind energy… wait… what? Hey, has anyone seen my kid?
Harsh: Montessori
Chill: Wise animal mentor
Open-concept education is still pretty harsh. A way chill baby would be a baby raised by a wise animal. Remember in The Jungle Book where there’s that bear who takes care of that little naked kid? And he’s all, “This is how you dance and sing in the jungle, man.” Oh oh oh, you ever see that video of a dude seeing those lions he used to hang out with? And he’s all, “Are these lions even gonna know who I am?” And then it turns out, they totally remember him? Shit’s so fuckin’ tight, bro. Seriously, she was in this pile of melons two seconds ago, has anyone seen my infant?
Harsh: Pump and dump
Chill: Share the buzz
Who says you can’t nurse a baby after having a few brewskis? Babies are people, too, and people love getting buzzed with their loved ones. It’s basically a White Russian. Honestly though, where’s Skye? If one of you guys took her to the fire station again, I’m gonna be so pissed.
