So you’re single but you don’t want to be? A lot of people are going to tell you that in order to change your situation, you have to date. Should you choose to accept this non-FDA approved advice, you’ll soon realize that a large part of dating is going on dates, which is horrible. Your Bumble match is not the one, and all your suspicions about them are definitely right. But you’re doing this, yeah? Okay. Here’s how to go on a date even though it’s absolutely going to fucking suck butt.
Find a person with whom you can go on your awful date.
Download any of the terrible apps at your disposal. If you don’t opt for a life of monastic celibacy after filling out three Hinge prompts, you might actually have the drive necessary to go through with setting up a horrible date. Swipe through weird strangers who have bad opinions, sets of photos that make it impossible to tell what they look like, and message things like, “Hey”. Once you’ve found your match, the worst is yet to come.
Make a shitty plan.
Planning a date is sort of like work but for no money. Maybe your date will take initiative and lay out a solid, specific plan that you can either accept or tweak. Just kidding; that will never happen. Eventually you’ll settle on an expensive bar that’s somehow hard for both of you to get to. Also, your date either says things like “being well read is sexy” or hasn’t touched a book since Lord of the Flies in seventh grade and nothing in between. They aren’t good at communicating their sexual desires, but have highly specific ones.
Get ready!
This step varies widely person to person, and it’s the only one that will give you a fleeting sense of hope. Maybe you put on makeup, maybe you wear that fun top. You’ll look in the mirror and for a second be like, “I’m clean. I look good. I smell good. Perhaps different life is possible.” Then your date will text you an incomprehensible gif and you’ll be flooded with awareness than your life on this earth is finite, precious, and so, so stupid.
Go on your heinous, soul-sucking date.
Go and talk for literal hours about your childhood with a stranger who wore a weird shirt and it’s like, okay the shirt isn’t so bad, but what does it say about them that this is how they chose to present themselves in this moment? Obviously, you could never be together. Oh, my God, you both liked Fleabag! Is that something? No, it’s not.
Congratulations, you did it! You went on a date and it fucking sucked and maybe you made out a bit at the end and didn’t feel turned on even at all because your body checked out when they didn’t say thank you to the bartender. Next up: The same exact thing again!
