Your hot boyfriend’s daughter Cindy is an embarrassment. Her dad is a DILF, so it was pretty disappointing to find that her teenage daughter is kind of a loser. Thank God, you can turn her look from fucking drab to fab with a little tough love and some trips to Limited Too. Here are some steps help improve her situation before you ditch her for some cooler pre-teens:
Make your disapproval fucking known.
Sigh loudly whenever she enters the room in that dirty scrunchie. Refuse to go out with her until she changes her outfit. When she asks why you don’t like her, be honest! Don’t be afraid to tell her, “You look like a homeless toddler shoplifting from the Target Junior’s discount section.” If she’s smart, she’ll do the work herself. Doesn’t she want a cool new Mommy?
Get her to go to the fucking mall for once.
Cindy avoids the mall like it’s a hot tub full of Ebola and live beetles. Her real mom must have taught her nothing. Now, she’s going to have to learn to fucking deal with it if she ever wants to leave the house again. If she won’t walk into Brandy Melville on her own accord, you’ll have to push her in yourself.
Fucking burn her old clothes.
She can have a wardrobe of top-of-the-line clothes, but you just know she’ll drift back into her old L.L. Bean high-waters if she has the option. Douse her old clothes with lighter oil and have her light the match herself.
Give her some fucking highlights.
It doesn’t matter if you have to dose her with NyQuil and drag her unconscious body to the salon. That limp, mousy dishwater-colored hair is a no-go. She’ll be glad you did it when you finally agree to let her go to school again. Plus that messy ponytail shit is not going to fly anymore. You knew how to give yourself a proper blowout when you were six. There’s no reason Cindy can’t figure it out.
Give her some positive fucking role models.
Throw away her American Girl books (except Samantha, that girl knew how to rock some fur) and get her hooked on Pretty Little Liars. No more watching Mulan and her hideous hatchet haircut; it’s all about Frozen side braids now. Show her that dressing to be popular is rewarding and fun! Not to mention it gets her out of that crate you built for her in the basement.
Having a loser kid like Cindy in your life can be a bummer, but you have the power to create your own reality! Once you’ve made over Cindy, she can stop being your dirty little secret you keep locked away in your boyfriend’s house and start being a healthy part of your Instagram.
