The moment you receive the Facebook notification that you have been invited to a roller derby match, you know that your answer will be “maybe”. You’ll consider attending the event up until the last minute, but then you’ll be unable to resist the urge to eat a jar of peanut butter and sit around by yourself. You work hard and you deserve an opportunity to celebrate your career by blowing off your more-athletic, social, and quirky friends. Here are some excuses you may want to consider using:
“I can’t come to your match because I’m training for a marathon.”
It’s a proven fact that protein helps build muscles, and peanut butter is full of protein. Roller derby celebrates women and the choices they make. Wouldn’t your roller derby friend want you to make the right choice for your body? Probably, but don’t mention the whole peanut butter thing just in case. Also, no one needs to know that the marathon you’re training for is 8 hours’ worth of Dance Moms. Sorry, ladies!
“I am in Japan.”
Everyone goes to Japan at some point, right? Why shouldn’t this be your turn to “be in Japan”? The crucial part of not getting caught is to immediately change the privacy settings on your Facebook posts to filter out the person who invited you to the roller derby game and then change them back in a week or two. This is especially important if you’re posting peanut-butter-eating selfies (and you are, duh). While this might seem extreme, consider how delicious peanut butter tastes when enjoyed unimpaired by other foods or a plate from the safety of your own couch. See? You don’t have to be a roller derby girl to live a bold, carefree life.
“I’ve adopted a child and it has a roller derby game the same night as yours.”
If by “child” you mean “peanut butter” and by “roller derby game the same night as yours” you mean “skating into my mouth while I ugly cry and swipe right,” this is barely even a lie. The best part of this excuse is that it gives the impression that you’re very into roller derby, which roller derby people love. Eating peanut butter out of the jar is your roller derby, if you think about it.
“I wrote a book and tonight is the release party. You weren’t invited because I assumed you’d be derbying. Good luck with your event!”
This answer is great because it mentions your “inescapable commitments” while also suggesting your continued awareness of the importance of roller derby in your friend’s life. Mmm, this is really good peanut butter. You have to stir it!
“I was there the entire time.”
This one is risky, but the last three times you went to see your friend do roller derby, she didn’t even bother to invite you to get pancakes with the team afterwards. If she does text to see where you are, just say you had to run to another friend’s roller derby thing. But don’t pick up the phone if she calls—she’ll hear that sticky peanut butter mouth a mile away.
It’s only natural that your roller derby friend would want you to watch her skating around and shoving people, but it’s just as natural you would rather eat peanut butter on a warm couch, safe from the potential visual of a broken arm. So try out one of these easy roller-derby-avoiding excuses, and break open that big ol’ jar of Peter Pan you’ve been craving!