Getting your crush’s attention can be tricky business, but it doesn’t have to be! Coy flirting and furtive glances aren’t guaranteed to get you anywhere, so ditch the subtleties and go for something that screams, “I NEED HELP URGENTLY”. Here’s how to get him all over you by washing up on shore and wheezing through salty coughs, “Waaaaaterrrrr!”
Fall overboard and wash up on shore.
Book a cruise (pack light), then throw yourself overboard shortly after setting sail. Float towards your local beach for two, maybe three, weeks until your skin is cooked and raw and the dehydration is unbearable. Spend this time how you’d like. Befriend a turtle, wash up on a desert island and find a coconut, go mad from drinking sea water, see a mirage, or just vibe out on a plank of wood. Once you arrive to shore, come out of the waves sputtering and scoffing for air, and drag your sun-damaged body onto the sand. Loudly express that you’ve been lost at sea and are now in great need of nutrition and hydration. Try to time it out so when your waterlogged muscles finally give out, you collapse at your crush’s feet. That’s a meet-cute he won’t forget!
Look haggard, but in a hot way.
It goes without saying, but you’re going to have to look the part. It’s not enough to just wash up on shore. We’re talking tattered clothing, matted, salt-crusted hair, dry, peeling skin, and desperation eyes. When you cough, sand should come out. You will look like a leathery pile of briny sea shit. But also, look fuckable. Maybe wear a thong?
Say “water” really, really loud.
The key to this tactic is need. Don’t be shy! Men love to help, but he can’t help you until he can hear you. You may only have a handful of croaks left in your shriveled lungs, but you have to give that “WATER!” your all. Don’t be shy, let him know that you would kill for one sip of water, and maybe one shot at a first date.
DON’T get scurvy.
Every guy loves pulling a sopping wet, severely sunburned, nearly dead girl out of the water, but nothing kills a boner like going in for a kiss and running into a pair of bloody gums. When you finally share your first steamy moment on the sand, you’ll want to feel your most confident knowing all your teeth are secure.
This strategy will have your crush replenishing your electrolytes in more ways than one! However, there is a small chance that he will move on with his life after finding you shelter and reconnecting you with your family. If this is the case, remember that your life is not about a man. This experience wasn’t a loss, you got to be off the grid for a while and get a tan. There’s nothing wrong with washing up on shore and wheezing water just for you!
