In order to feed yourself, you must have food and a place to cook it. But what if your roommate Karen routinely fills up the sink with her dirty dishes and only does them once every year? You may have to ask yourself questions like, “What other surfaces can I eat on?” or, “What foods can I buy that require no dishes at all?” Don’t worry. Here’s how to feed yourself in the year between when Karen actually does the dishes.
Eat off the counter.
If you have no bowls to eat salad from, fear not. Just eat off the counter for a year. Though it sounds strange, a countertop is actually a very secure surface that can hold everything from a microwave to a huge pile of loose spinach. You know how at Coldstone they drop a scoop of ice cream right on the granite and then smash toppings in with a spatula? Do that, but on your own counter with mixed greens and toppings for salad, like cherry tomatoes, alfalfa sprouts and two fistfuls of cheddar cheese. This will work fine until the Earth finishes a trip around the sun, signaling to Karen she should pick up a Brillo pad. Until that day, just worry about surviving!
Eat mostly sandwiches.
If your countertop has been taken over by Karen’s dirty dishes, simply change your entire diet. Eat mostly sandwiches for a year. The benefit of eating 98% sandwiches is you only need hands to hold your meal and not a plate. The downside is you will have to eat roughly six slices of bread every day for 365 days, which can make you feel bad. Rest assured, however, that after the seasons have passed, Karen will finally get around to washing her dishes. “How has she been feeding herself?” you might wonder. No one knows! Focus on your own fight for sustenance.
Eat at another friend’s house.
When all else fails, just stop eating at your own home and eat at another friend’s house – a true friend, of course – one who has utensils not covered in hardened spaghetti sauce. You can likely sustain this strategy for a full year until Karen makes her annual pilgrimage to the kitchen for a purpose aside from creating more chaos. Think of this as a BYOB system, only instead of a restaurant, you’re going to where your friend lives and instead of beer, you’re bringing all your own groceries. To save time one would normally suggest doing some meal prep, but since that is not possible for you, give up on the idea. You can pull through until 2018!
Eat from your neighbor’s garden.
If you don’t have the money to order takeout, eat from your neighbor’s garden. You can either ask for permission, which gives you free access to fresh veggies, or you cannot ask for permission, which is called stealing. Whichever way you choose, just do what you need to eat healthy during the year between when Karen cleans her dishes. Unlike the old saying, one person’s mess does not have to be another person’s death from scurvy! You’re going to make it out of this alive.
Return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle.
As a last resort, consider returning to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. This may require a lot of work, so just remind yourself it will be over when the tides return to their shore and Karen begins to clean her dishes when you are both one year older and wiser and you realize it’s time to move out.
Try any of these tips to feed yourself in the year between when Karen does her dishes. Just like nature, your roommate too has her own cycle and you must learn to survive it. Good luck out there!
