We’ve all been there: You’re at a family function trying to distract yourself from boredom with tasty desserts. Suddenly, she strikes. Your mom saunters over from across the room with a purposefully innocent look on her face, cozies up next to you, and casually asks you if that’s your second piece of cake tonight. If this has happened, we’ve got one word for you: speed. Eat too fast for her to notice and she won’t be able to stop you with her body-negative talk. If you want to avoid side-eye at the next baby shower, follow these easy tips:
Work out your jaw muscles in advance.
When you’re in a race against the clock, you don’t want your jaw to get tired. Some of the best speed-eaters chew up to six pieces of gum at a time to strengthen their jaw muscles, but we prefer to train by eating 12 or so Babybel cheeses to really get you in “fuck you and your judgmental fat-shaming ways, Mom” mode. After you’ve angrily and happily consumed the delicious little cheeses, ball up the wax encasings into one mega-chew toy. Bite down like you’re biting on your mom’s skinny little wrists. Repeat daily. Now you are ready for your nephew’s Communion.
Learn to control your breath.
Most people take wasteful breaths in between bites that offer an easy opportunity for their mother to sneak in a comment about what they’re eating. You can lose as many as three or four seconds of valuable cake-eating time to the inhalation and exhalation of air. Cut down on lag by practicing how to control your breath. Maybe you take one, two, even three breaths in between bites—that’s not gonna fly at your grandma’s 90th birthday, where there is reportedly going to be two cakes. Try decreasing the amount of breaths you need over time. Eventually, you will be able to hold your breath through the whole cake-eating process and consume a slice or two before your mom looks up from her Chardonnay from across the room.
There’s no such thing as pacing yourself.
Whatever you do, just get it down. This is not about looking demure. This is about showing your mom you can eat what you want while also escaping her notice entirely. A whole plate of chocolate-frosted, post-church cake pops may look intimidating, but you’re not going to get anywhere in this life if you hold back. Stuff those spherical goodies in your mouth and cruise quietly through to the finish line. Hallelujah!
Chipmunking will get you everywhere.
If swallowing is your weak spot, just stuff everything you’ve got into those chubby cheeks of yours (which, as she always points out, you get from your father). All that matters is you get the cake in your mouth quickly enough that Mom can’t say shit. You are dominating this cake and her and that is all that matters. You totally won this wedding!
It requires dedication and hard work to swallow cake quickly enough to beat your mother’s shade. Try these tips and your mom will be eating her words before you even wipe the frosting off your face.
