So you just took a stroll around a nice small town and stumbled upon a colorful monstrosity – an absolutely huge, oversized American flag. It’s completely natural to feel out-of-sorts and discombobulated after inadvertently gazing upon such a thing, but don’t worry. Take a deep breath (or five) and follow these steps to collect yourself after seeing an American flag that was just way too big.
Look away.
“Out of sight, out of mind” has never been more appropriate than in this instant. Because of its cartoonishly gigantic square footage, you may have to do a total 180 to get it out of your periphery, but the sooner its gargantuan stars and stripes aren’t boring into your vision, the better. No matter what you do, it will be difficult to erase the question from your mind: “But why is it so big?”
Settle your thoughts.
Who would buy a flag that big? What do they mean by it? Are they that proud of this country? Has the sheer size of the flag ever killed someone by simply billowing in the wind? These are all normal thoughts to have after gazing upon something so obtrusive, but make sure they don’t spiral into an anxious whirl about the state of modern American nationalism. Take a moment to stop and direct those thoughts to more positive associations of America – try humming “Party in the USA” or think about how good Jeff Goldblum was in Independence Day.
Plan an international trip.
If you want to go all the way, the only proper course of action to fully detox yourself from unnecessary displays of Americana is to remove yourself from its nation of origin. A romp to a different country with different flags may be just what you need to ground yourself again. Just remember to avoid touristy spots, in case you’re jump scared with an American flag on someone’s T-shirt. If flying to a new nation is out of your budget, try walking by a foreign embassy or the United Nations to at least remind yourself that there are places out there with practical reasons to fly a national flag.
Without advance warning that the Fourth of July or Labor Day is coming, seeing an American flag of any size can be disconcerting. And an oversized American flag is enough to bring anyone over the edge. But with these steps, you’ll be able to collect yourself after any large visual attack of red, white, and blue. Although preventative measures are really the best form of defense – maybe try horse blinders the next time you take a stroll around a suburban neighborhood!
