Grocery shopping can be stressful – especially when your snacking preferences have become molded to your roommate’s supply that you have secretly been tasting throughout the month. Here’s a quick and easy guide to buying all your favorite foods without having your roommate, Sarah, go: “Wait a minute, aren’t these the exact same items I bought a week ago and ran out of weirdly quickly?”
Stress the power of coincidence.
They say there are about seven people on Earth who look exactly like you, and seven people who are buying cool ranch sunflower seeds at the exact same time as you. It is just part of the randomness of the universe, and does not mean that person has been sampling all those irresistible snacks you leave lying around and at arm’s reach in the pantry. Once you remind your roommate of all this, she will be sure not to suspect you’re one of those sample-your-roommate’s-groceries types.
Mix in some wild-card choices to throw her off the scent.
For this one, you will have to branch out from your comfort zone and buy some items that you have not yet sampled from Sarah. Just the thought of these untested foods probably makes you cringe, but don’t worry – it will all be worth it when she sees that salmon jerky and has no choice but to conclude you have your own flavor palate independent of what she brings home.
Stage a taste test with a realistic level of surprise.
Wait for Sarah to walk into the room and have her catch you mid-bite into a snack that you are supposedly trying for the very first time ever. Remember some of the commonly-used phrases for trying new foods, like: “Interesting!” and “Hey, that’s pretty good!” Whatever you do, make sure not to blurt out: “Mm, just as I remember.”
Gaslight her into believing you bought the items first.
In an ideal world, things would not have to come to this. However, it is possible that after the last three steps your roommate still seems suspicious, in which case you may need to catch her in the kitchen one day and go full-on manipulation mode. Try saying something like, “Whoa, you like these chocolates too? You know, Sarah, if I didn’t know any better, I would start to think you’ve been sampling some of mine. No, don’t worry, I trust you.” While you’re at it, throw in a little subliminal messaging: “In fact, I probably wouldn’t even notice if you were tasting my groceries, because someone would have to be pretty crazy to actually keep track of that stuff, right?”
There you have it! After these four steps, you should have your roommate off your tail for good and will finally be able to eat paranoia-free without her being suspicious at all. And even if she is, remember she has no real way of proving it, and the worst that can happen is her forming a vague and general uneasiness about you over time.
