They populate the lobby of every cinema, shouting snide comments at each other and rockin’ the dopest PacSun gear. A single gaze from the two Samanthas, Heather, and Cory in the Hoodie and suddenly you surmise that the new jeans you’re wearing are “totally old.” They’re known colloquially as “tweens” and they have the most refined egos of any demographic found in theaters. Want to be rude yet bafflingly forgivable? Want to be unmindful of everything, most acutely your own mortality? Here’s how to live the self-assured life of a movie-going tween:
Be Impolite To Everyone Old
Popcorn guy? Fuck him! Ticket booth? What a fatass! Claire’s corny mom? Thanks for the ride home and everything…but *eye rolls*! Here’s the lowdown on old people: they’re sooo dumb. They talk about annoying shit like school, pick-up time, and bills. Waste. Of. Time. Show them they’re dirt by treating them as such. Sure, they’re not actually that much older than you, but remember you’re so much smarter than they are, and that’s just sad.
Steal Those 3D Glasses and Wear Them Like a Nerd
Embrace your inner nerd! Even though nerds are fucking gross, these glasses will make you look smart and sophisticated—not that you need any help! Put these babies on, post a few Instagrams, and wait for the likes to roll in. Maybe an older guy will think you’re 17 and hit you up! (Remember not to let your mom find out you have Instagram even though you’re almost 30 and can do whatever you want.)
Make Out With Hot Trevor
You’ll piss off Jane! You’ll piss off your ex, Cody in the hoodie! You just bought some new lip gloss, and rumor has it Hot Trevor knows how to use tongue at the dance last October! Now’s your time to become a woman, even if you have already had sex many times. Do everything in your power to lock lips with Hot Trevor and rock his pubescent world! Find a highly visible spot in front of as many friends as possible, open wide and enjoy the ride! (It’s not illegal if it’s not sex, right?)
Sneak into an R-Rated Film, Even if It’s About War or Something Boring Like That
Tell your parents you’re seeing Hotel Transylvania 2, then get the fuck outta there! Leave to “go to the bathroom” and on your way back, sneak into the first R-rated movie you see! Even if it’s not a movie you care about, there’s a chance you could hear a cool curse word or see some sex!
Forget That 9/11 Was a Thing
You know that annoying moment of silence that happens at the beginning of every school year? You know that story your uncle leaves the room after telling every Thanksgiving? You know the boring part of the field trip you took to New York City (why couldn’t we just stay in Times Square all day)? Don’t invest attention on those in any capacity! Keep your thoughts where they matter; here, now, and on you! You actually have vivid memories of that day but if you want to be cool, you gotta always forget!
Make Sure You Know What 69 Means (Hint: It’s Pretty Crazy)
Remember that one time your older sis said “69” and all of her friends laughed? Turns out that was NOT a stupid math joke. 69ing is one of the sexiest, weirdest, rarest and most sinful things in the whole world. 69ing is just so sexy that even Becky doesn’t know what it means! Look it up online. 69 is just so amazingly vulgar that writing it feels dirty and inappropriate! But make sure you know what it means, because I do, and it’s super nasty! But also very sexy! You’re cooler than half your years!
Tweens at the movie are living their best life—you can too, by copping these self-confident tricks.
