We all know that self-improvement is a myth, and yet it seems like everyone you know is in therapy these days. It’s only a matter of time before you come face-to-face with that sick, depraved monster who gets off on being paid to get you to cry: your therapist. Here’s a quick guide on how to thwart her twisted little schemes, so you can escape that 50-minute session with a shred of dignity.
Keep score.
When you’re busy pointlessly mining the depths of your own subconscious in the name of “healing,” it can be hard to remember that the real point of a therapy session is to determine the winner. Have you ever wondered what your therapist is writing down in her stupid little notebook? Yeah, that’s a scorecard. Level the playing field by bringing your own! Give yourself a point for every time she laughs at one of your deflecting jokes, every time she’s the one that breaks a silent pause, and every time you get her to believe that one of the plot lines from One Tree Hill is a real story from your life. You’re doing it! You’re winning!
Identify her tactics and weaponize them.
Did your therapist ask you to “address” a “chair” as if it were “your mother”? Disrupt this psychotic exercise by calling the chair by your therapist’s name – and if she notices, simply tell her, “Whoops, my mistake, Mom.” Or do you suspect your therapist of mirroring your body language to build rapport with you? Put this theory to the test by slowly giving her the finger over the course of your session and seeing if she reciprocates. Now instead of building rapport, you’re on the cusp of a physical altercation. Great job!
Tip her.
This one may seem counterintuitive, but by selectively adding monetary value to your therapist’s already-exorbitant prices, you’re actually using operant conditioning to steer her in the direction you want – reverse psychology win! Did your therapist use the words “breakthrough,” “movement,” or worst of all, the phrase “you did some great work today”? Tip an insulting 5%. But did you have a session where you just made small talk the entire time? Tip generously – 20% or more. Soon you’ll be blissfully avoiding the scary stuff every time. Worth every penny!
If you follow these easy steps, the next time you walk into your therapist’s office you can rest assured in the knowledge that she can’t hurt you (even though she probably wants to, that unhinged little sadist). But if all else fails, there is one final option at your disposal: go back to school, become a licensed therapist yourself, figure out who your therapist’s therapist is, and become THEIR therapist. Convince them that self-work is actually no-good-very-bad-scary-no-thank-you, and sit back and watch as the results trickle down to you.
