So what if the whole family is still raving about Thanksgiving at your sister-in-law’s house last year? They were all content with a nice, traditional Thanksgiving meal until she came along. Who does she think she is, marrying into the family, and suddenly changing everyone’s expectations? Screw Blair and her pickled jalapeño stuffing, organic bacon-pecan pie, and hand-knit place settings. Two can play that game! Follow these simple steps to make her Thanksgiving look like a pile of garbage:
Step 1: Get a Pinterest account. Face it—you can no longer be a successful adult woman if you don’t have a Pinterest account. Log in using your Facebook account so everyone can share in your important milestone of womanhood. Now get ready to DIY Blair into a shame coma.
Step 2: Choose confusing recipes. Pin every recipe you find that has any of the following in its name:
- An unusual combination of ingredients; ie. “Sriracha-Butterscotch Green Bean Casserole” or “Black Garlic Peach Pie with a Potato Chip Crust.”
- The words “organic,” “vegan,” “paleo,” or “raw;” ie. “Organic Paleo Potatoes with Vegan Raw Pistachio Butter”
- The words ‘candied,’ ‘creamed,’ and ‘fried;’ ie. “Fried Creamed Corn Bites with a Candied Bacon Crust”
Ultimately, your menu should be a Bushwick-flavored hellscape. Everyone will be so thoroughly confused about what everything is that they’ll be in a stupor before the tryptophan even hits their blood streams.
Step 3: Make it memorable. The touching hand-written thank you cards your sister-in-law wrote last year will be quickly forgotten when you send everyone home with pictures from a professional photo booth, complete with Pilgrim, Native American, football, and turkey accessories (all hand-made by you, of course!) to pose in. Who would want to re-read a heartfelt note when they can stare at a perfectly lit photo of themselves being hilarious?
Step 4: Be more thankful than her. Your sister-in-law’s “What I’m Thankful For” acappella song from last year may have been so poetically saccharine it provoked an audible “Awww” from your ice-hearted Aunt Queenie, but your declaration of thankfullness will be so full of gratitude you’ll have her weeping into her dinner napkin. The whole family will remember your Thanksgiving prayer as the moment their faith in humanity, family, and love was restored, and thus, give thanks to you personally for the rest of their lives. Eat shit, Blair. I made it fresh for you.
These four steps are all you need to restore yourself to your rightful status as supreme young matriarch. Should your sister-in-law submit a new bid to host Thanksgiving ever again, just let her. It’s important for people to see her fail.
