It’s time for a ladies’ night! Woot-woot! Don’t even think about squandering this opportunity with some sort of low-key dinner party. Go out and force yourselves into being the most fun ladies of all the ladies at the wine bar. Here’s how:
1. Have the energy of a Bachelorette Party, even though everyone is already married: Think about grabbing some feather boas at a party supply store for you all to wear at ladies’ night and maybe even some penis props because why not? You ladies know how to have fun. Even though you’re not celebrating anything in particular, the unwarranted attention you’ll garner from your incessant screaming and naughty puns will make it seem like a special occasion.
2. Befriend the male waitstaff, no matter how much they resist: “Hi, I’m Samuel and I’ll be your server tonight,” needs to be immediately followed by a lot of comments that should include a “Hi Samuellllllll!” Next, coin a nickname for him like “Sam-Sam,” “Sammy” or “Slutty Sam,” even though it’s pretty clear he prefers “Samuel.” You’re all going to want to be very inappropriately flirtatious with your Sam-Sam, and be sure ask him a lot of obnoxious questions about the menu, never be ready to order when he comes over and other hilarious, fun stuff!
3. Let Other People Get To Know You: Make no effort to learn about anyone else, but make sure that they know all about your raucous group. Include strangers in your conversations by asking them to settle bets within your group, or answer questions like, “Who do you think is the oldest of us?” When you’ve got an answer you want, ignore them or shoo them away. It’s also great to get strangers to recite your catchphrases (Yes, you and your group of friends should have catchphrases). “What Would Cheryl Do? Get sloppy, am I right?!” is something at least half the bar should be yelling along with you.
4. Sing It Out Loud: Any song that you even remotely know of that comes on the bar’s PA system should be sung to as passionately and earnestly as if you all co-wrote it yourselves. Sing loud. Even louder if you’re asked to quiet down, especially if it’s Sam-Sam politely begging. I don’t care if it’s the “Theme From Downton Abbey,” the instrumental portion of “Hotel California,” or the dance-break portion of a JLo song: make noise that roughly goes along with the melody – this is a perfect opportunity to add your own joke lyrics about Cheryl!
5. Drink the most wine of anyone else drinking at the wine bar: This one should really enable all the others. Feeling sick, sad about your life, regretful about the way Sam-Sam’s looking at you? Let’s get some more Pinot in there, sweetie. Then deflect all those real feelings that are coming up with more yelly-humor, winking, and inexplicable spinning of your boa over your head, you know, like it’s a lasso—FUN!
Follow these guidelines and everyone at the wine bar will be saying, “Wow, what annoying bitches!” and throwing you major shade, because you’re a somebody. And the fact that you’re no longer allowed at that wine bar ever again is how you know they’re all just jealous.
