How to Be More Assertive Even Though That’s Literally So Mean of You

They say you’ll never get the things you want if you don’t know how to ask for them. On the other hand, asserting yourself is actually super mean and off-putting, and everyone will probably hate you for it. Here’s how you can become more assertive even though that’s arguably one of the worst things a person can do.


Phrase every statement like it is a question.

The most important thing to remember about being assertive is that you are scaring the person you are talking to. They’re terrified. You’re being so mean by asking for the things you deserve and have worked for. Take the edge off your meanness by phrasing everything like a question, because this shows your conversation partner that you know that they know that you have no idea what you’re talking about, silly girl! For example, don’t say, “I’d like time off for Thanksgiving.” Instead, try, “I’d like time off for Thanksgiving?” The person will be mildly confused and let you do whatever you want, you kind soul!



To mitigate how mean you’re being, throw in phrases like, “if that’s okay, I guess.”

If you go up to your boss and say, “After five long years at this company, I believe I deserve a raise,” his brain’s probably going, “WEE WOO WEE WOO UNGRATEFUL ALERT!” That’s the last thing you want. But if you say, “I would love a raise if that’s okay, I guess?” now we’re cooking with gas! You’re amenable! You’re nice! And that’s what being an employee is all about. Other phrases that also work wonders: “maybe,” “sort of,” and “if you’re feeling generous, good sir.”


Finish with, “Sorry, sorry, I’m being crazy right now.”

This is exactly what everyone is thinking, so you might as well get out ahead of it and say it before they can. By asserting yourself, you’re actually being crazy, and everyone will be uncomfortable. These are facts. By saying this, you won’t make it any better, but at least everyone will understand that you know you’re being unreasonable and incredibly mean.


Bring a baked good with you for when it’s all over.

One of the most important aspects of being assertive is aftercare. A baked good or a quick cuddle will go a long way. Just make sure to offer it to whomever you’re talking to first, or else you’ll look selfish too.


Follow these tips and you’ll be more assertive in no time, even though that’s literally so mean, you swine! Remember: you’re not a bad person for asking for what you want, but you are an absolute asshole. Best of luck!