How To Avoid Jessica At The Women’s March On Washington

The Women’s March On Washington is set to be the largest inaugural demonstration in history. On January 21, up to 200,000 people of diverse backgrounds will gather to demand protection of women’s rights, personal safety and access to healthcare as we shift into uncertain times. Here’s how to avoid that ubiquitous pain in the neck, Jessica, who’s also going to the march, because of fucking course she is:


Ignore Jessica’s texts.

Jessica already saw your excited post, so it’s too late to act like you’re not going. But you can still ignore any “Hey, how are you getting to DC?” and “I’m in DC!!! Where are you???” texts from her. God, she’s so fucking intense. When she sees your Snapchats with Gloria Steinem speaking in the background, just play dumb and blame the bad reception if Jessica finds you and asks you why you don’t call her anymore.


Write your sign with your non-dominant hand.

While exercising your right to demonstrate, proceed with caution in making your poster by using your non-dominant hand. She’ll never recognize your scrawl of “LOVE TRUMPS HATE.” And it’s not a lie—you don’t hate Jessica, you just can’t stand her, and no amount of love can change that.



Avoid initiating new chants.

While it’s totally fine to join chants already in progress, if you really want to avoid Jessica, don’t give into temptation to start a new chant yourself. You’ll definitely catch her attention if you start asking what a feminist looks like. Let Jessica focus on what the other 199,000 feminists look like and stay off your jock. God.


Duck behind a Port-a-potty.

With that many women in one place, you know the Port-a-potty line is going to be slow and long—that’s not misogynistic, it’s just true! It takes longer to sit down! So if Jessica approaches the area, duck and cover. The last thing you need in Trump’s America is to get sucked into another dumb fucking conversation with Jessica about her compost pile that caught fire.


The Women’s March On Washington is one of the most important demonstrations of our lifetime. Thousands of women and femme expressive people will gather in the name of sisterhood. But thankfully, that doesn’t mean you have to hang out with Jessica, not this time.