There’s a limit to how much small talk can devolve into commiseration on the dismal state of the world, and sometimes you just want to offer up an easy, positive response to a friendly check-in. But how can you say how you’re doing when you don’t do anything? Here’s the definitive guide on how to answer that dreaded question when the most exciting thing that happened in the last 60 days was when you made cauliflower really good.
Say, “Fine, thank you!”
If you already told your pal about your perfectly seasoned roasted cauliflower tacos when they asked after you last month, then why not try replying with the polite albeit terse, “fine, thank you!” Who said you have to offer some great, conversation-extending response? Maybe they should try asking better questions: perhaps questions that account for, or even celebrate the fact that the highlight of your summer was making juicy, flavorful, and just-crunchy-enough cauliflower one time.
Pretend you didn’t hear the question
If you can’t bring yourself to engage with this somehow at once under and overwhelming question, then simply pretend you didn’t hear it. Instead, stare off into space and think about how you made that cauliflower so fucking good a couple of months ago and have sort of just been coasting on autopilot since then.
Pass off the plot of Raising Arizona as your own life
If you can’t think of a single thing that’s happening in your world, go ahead and pass off the plot of the Coen Brothers’ farcical comedy Raising Arizona as your own life.
Go ahead and talk about the cauliflower
If none of these options strike your fancy, just say fuck it and talk about the cauliflower some more. They asked, and that’s the answer, whether anybody likes it or not.
Making that cauliflower really good was the defining event of your last 60 days, and unless you suddenly get engaged or learn the harmonica or something, you’re not going to have a better honest answer to “How are you doing?” any time soon. So lie, avoid, or lean into it. Either way, that cauliflower really was dank as hell.