So, your friend just had a baby and they’re inviting you to hangout for the first time since they’ve given birth. You want to play it cool, but you’re understandably concerned about the whole “soft skull” thing. Here’s how you can act normal around your friend’s newborn, even though you can’t get over the fact that its skull is as squishy and malleable as synthetic clay:
Look at anything other than its head.
Yeah, its legs and arms are also doughy and misshapen, but at least they don’t contain a still-growing brain. They do, however, contain still growing bones…Actually, now that you think about it, their tiny body is home to an ever-growing skeleton, so maybe it’s best to not look at the baby at all. Just prepare a normal, chill answer for when your friend inevitably asks, “Why won’t you look at my child?”
Smoke some weed beforehand.
Depending on your relationship with weed, this could be risky advice. However, if successful, the payoff is well worth it. You’ll be vibing out, and there’s only a slight chance you get plagued by paranoid thoughts about you somehow developing a late-stage soft spot as well. Stop touching the top of your head! You’re weirding everyone out.
If asked to hold it, offer a polite but firm, “No, thank you, I am afraid of what I might do to its mushy skull.”
If pressed to offer more information, consider utilizing one of the following statements: “I don’t like that its skull has some give to it,” “Why does its brain need to expand? It seems like a fine size now,” “Can’t we just reinforce that bad boy with some paper mache or something?” or “When I touch something squishy I want to squish it so bad.” Any one of these phrases will certainly get you out of having to physically interact with the baby – however, just make sure to say them in a casual manner, otherwise people might find you kind of off-putting.
Insist the baby wear some sort of protective headgear.
Honestly, you can never be too careful, so just try to get ahead of things by insisting that your friend’s baby don some sort of helmet or other protective headwear. Once they do that, then you can go back to being your chill, cool, non-skull-obsessed self.
That’s it! If you’ve played your cards right, you will have been able to show support to your friend as they embark on the journey of parenthood, without ever having to look at, touch, or even acknowledge the existence of their infant child. Maybe wait until that skull is structurally sound before seeing them again, though. This experience didn’t bring out the best in you.
