Family parties can a celebration of coming together, but I see them more as an opportunity to twist the minds of my dear family members. That’s why I destroyed every familial relationship I’ve ever had and created sheer chaos by telling everyone to bring coleslaw to the party.
Because of the constant lack of communication amongst my family, no one realized that they were all bringing coleslaw. No one brought mac and cheese instead, no green beans, not a drop of cranberry sauce, or any meat. Just eight heaping bowls of cabbage drenched in dairy products spoiling on the dining room table.
Everyone arrived smiles agape and Tupperware filled with slaw, ready to share their creations. It only took a couple of minutes into dinnertime for people to catch onto my seedy coleslaw underbelly of the family party.
Everyone in my family has a unique coleslaw recipe. Aunt Jill uses sour cream, while Mee-maw likes hers classic with mayo. There was much incendiary debate about whose slaw was the worst and whose was the best, all of which sowed destruction while keeping the focus off me and my nefarious intentions.
The race for the worst slaw came to a quick end when Cousin Arnold showed up, with a slaw made from apples with black pepper and yogurt in it. My family was so offended that our own flesh and blood could turn up with something so shameful that they began to berate him.
The entire fam was super hungry and upset at this point, my grandmother had even thrown my cousin’s coleslaw off the balcony onto to the head of my weird uncle in-law Craig. The tensions were high, I had to step in. “Don’t worry I’ll order some KFC!” I declared.
In that moment, I was their hero. I could save the day.
We all crowded around the table and started playing our favorite game: poker. It was so tranquil and sweet, as granny’s cigar smoke wrapped around us like a warm hug. Ding Dong! The doorbell rang. The KFC had arrived, everyone’s eyes widened, I brought the food into share, “Here we go guys! Now who got the bucket of slaw?”
And I haven’t spoken to any of my family members ever since. Mission accomplished!