Now that I have a full-time job, I admit that I should have been saving, but at the end of my second month with a steady paycheck, I hadn’t saved a lick. I knew I had to take drastic action if I was going to retire at 70 or 80, but I couldn’t trust myself to spend any less than I already do. Then I found a modern solution: I now save money by wearing press-on nails that make me completely unable to grab my credit card.
When I tell people I’ve started saving money by using press-on nails, they typically assume I’m saving by not having to get weekly manicures. Nope! The much more impactful change is that my fingers don’t really function as fingers anymore, in the sense that I can’t pick up things for shit.
You might be thinking, “How are normal press-on nails this cumbersome?” and the truth is – they’re not! My press-ons are four inches long. That’s right: four whole inches long! On several occasions, people have asked whether I’m trying for the Guinness Book of World Records. Nope! I’m trying to put a down payment on a home by the time I’m 35.
I used to blow paycheck after paycheck on pricey drinks after work or novelty pick-me-ups during the day, but now I’m so embarrassed by the fact that it takes me 15 whole minutes to grab my credit card that I refrain! I would splurge on a fancy lunch, but now all I want is to avoid the embarrassment of scrounging around in my bag, desperately trying to pick up my credit card before inevitably hot potato-ing it onto the ground.
Say hello to home cooking! Sure, cooking is harder than ever with press-on nails that snap at the lightest touch, but at least no one has to see that. Slicing a cucumber has never taken longer and my bank account has never been this robust.
Look, do I wish I could buy things? Yes. Can I? Physically, no! Have I saved a lot of money? More than you could ever imagine. Turns out all it took for me to put away 70% of my income was an inability to grab my credit card with my hands.
So, if you’ve exhausted every saving trick in the book, it might be time to try something so dumb that it just might work. And also ruin your life. On the bright side, these press-ons are so shiny, you won’t even want to have full autonomous usage of your phalanges! Just don’t even think about trying ApplePay.
