People in happy relationships love telling singletons, “You’ll find love when you least expect it!” Which of course only leads us to expect it. With nothing but romance on my mind, I needed a drastic solution to prove that I wasn’t expecting love. That’s why I decided to blindfold myself and repeatedly bellow “hate, hate, hate” as I trekked through Manhattan.
At first, the plan was a smashing success. I lumbered about the Financial District with impaired vision and ritualistic dialogue, bumping into suit-clad eligible bachelors left and right. All the finance bros loved me! They said things like “freak” and “I want what she’s on!” One fellow even mumbled “so hot,” and I heard him rip off his suit jacket. I can only assume this had everything to do with me and nothing to do with the 97-degree heatwave.
But the saying proved true! Showing people how little I expected love was garnering me loads of attention! Later that day, eyes closed, I continued chanting “hate” proudly. A bunch of other pedestrians seemed really into me, chatting all about how it was a “crime” for me to “hate” (probably because I’m so damn loveable), and that “those two men I just walked past are allowed to kiss in public without my verbal assault.”
By nightfall, I was sold on this technique. While I hadn’t found the one yet, I sure had gotten a lot more attention from men throughout the day. I decided to wind down with a nice walk by the Hudson, still practicing my new romance-seeking method. Unfortunately, being blindfolded, it quickly became a swim.
I was a damsel in distress, thrashing in the water, and that’s when I realized it. Nobody was going to jump into the PCB-ridden murk to save me. I had to save myself. Love finally came to me when I least expected it: self-love.
Kidding! I only seek validation from others. I dragged myself out of the water, started home, and pointed at every hot man I saw, wailing, “I hate you! Hate, hate, hate!”
While this approach to finding the one isn’t foolproof (genuinely, how unsafe is the Hudson water?) and has yet to prove effective, it definitely makes great logical sense. It’s just the truth, people: Love only comes to those who least expect it. That’s why The Bachelor never works. Literally no other reason.
