You love astrology, but you’re sick of all the parts that talk about “don’t sign a contract on this date” or “avoid travel” or “maybe you should change.” Um, no thanks! If you were born under a star sign—any star sign—then you are special, blessed, and better than the rest. Here are the no-bummers versions of your horoscopes that tell you exactly what you want to hear this month:
(January 20 to February 18)
You are a lovely person who brings light to the universe. On the 10th, keep your eyes open for a potential new crush. You’ll be able to spot him because he has dark hair and loves to perform oral sex. And you’re going to have a huge breakthrough at work. Nothing bad will happen to you this month because you rawk! Also, whoa—did you lose weight?
(February 19 to March 20)
Don’t listen to the negative people in your life—they are just being shitty and don’t deserve you. When Venus enters your Fifth House, you will feel in your bones that it’s time to buy a new purse. Obey this feeling. Don’t listen to your credit card company when they call you about overdue payments. And don’t be surprised if you have the best month ever! Plus, whoa! You’ll probs lose 3-5 pounds!
(March 21 to April 19)
There will be challenges this month, but the beat goes on. Focus on life’s little pleasures: a warm breeze, a clear sky, a sweet smell. You can’t change what others think of you, only what you think of others. To change is to live, to live is to grow, to grow is to change. Also, the stars want to know: Did you lose weight? They keep asking if you’re eating because you look so thin.
(April 20 to May 20)
Sometimes people drift out of your life when their purpose in your spiritual journey has been completed, so you shouldn’t feel bad about never returning texts. You’ve been fighting with your lover more than usual, but not only will you get through it, this period of instability will make your relationship stronger. Besides, it’s all his fault. You did nothing wrong. Once you stop stress-eating about all of this, you’ll hit your goal weight in a week. High five!
(May 21 to June 20)
While the huge work success we predicted last month may not have happened yet, your boss hasn’t promoted you because she is JEALOUS of your skin and eyes and poise. Just keep doing what you’re doing and eventually she will realize you’re indispensable. Don’t slack off or anything, but you also don’t need to try or work any harder. You’re working the right amount of hard. You don’t want to be the girl who works too hard. You will lose five pounds.
(June 21 to July 22)
That yoga class you’ve been dodging? The old friend you’re trying to meet up with? That pricey liqueur you just can’t bring yourself to splurge on? Get it, girl, and treat yourself to a truly cleansing month! Then reward yourself with some casual sex. By the end of the month, Venus will have moved into your Sixth House, which rules prosperity, happiness, and losing four pounds!
(July 23 to August 22)
OoooOooh mah gawwwWwd Leo gurl this month is gonna be so goooOOoood you don’t eeeEeeVen know. And then you’re gonna get tickets to Hamilton!!!!!! AND LOSE 20 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(August 23 to September 22)
Your eyebrows look fierce. Your hair looks fiercer. Your nails look fiercest. You’re a hot mama jama, the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow. You’re a modern-day Jackie O. A younger Amal Clooney. You know who you are? You’re Beyoncé with bangs. And you’re slowly wasting away, but in a healthy way!
(September 23 to October 22)
Let’s make this the month of yes. Empower yourself to receive the life you’ve always dreamed of by thinking “yes” at all times and watch what a difference it makes. You are entitled to everything you want and everything anyone else has. The only thing you don’t say yes to? Pudge, because you are going to lose two and a half pounds.
(October 23 to November 21)
Things in your work/financial sector might be looking rough, but that’ll change around the 20th. Until then, try spending a little less unless you find something really cute. If you need to buy some books about mindfulness and a yoga mat and a Diptyque candle and a salt lamp, that’s fine; that just makes good spiritual sense. Ridding yourself of negative energy will have the side effect of taking three pounds off your thighs.
(November 22 to December 21)
This is the month for making leaps and taking risks. A Harvest Sun ensures success, so quit your job to see the world (and by the world, we mean Europe and the beachy parts of Southeast Asia). If your head and your heart can’t agree, ask yourself: What would be more fun? Then do that. Not only will your decision-making be easier and your life more fulfilling, but you will probably wake up at least ten pounds lighter!
(December 22 to January 19)
Big updates from the stars for you this month! In no particular order, here they are: The ones you love will never die. The times in your past when you’ve hurt people are forgiven. Your favorite candidate will win the election and solve the nation’s biggest issues. In fact, you don’t need to vote. Global warming will reverse itself by 2020. You recycle enough. You’ve already read all of the important books and seen the important movies. No one remembers the time you called your algebra teacher “mom” and then got so embarrassed you farted. You aren’t racist; you’re one of the good ones and everyone can tell. You will be fulfilled. You will not have doubts. You will be at peace. Your heart will be open and your mind will be clear. Your butt will be the right kind of big. And yeah, you’re gonna lose some fucking weight.
Wow! How cool is astrology? Have a great month, star girl!