In a sad but expected report emerging from Hartford, CT, father of three Greg Fredrickson has admitted that he “honestly prefers their earlier stuff” when referring to his teenage children.
“Listen, I can appreciate that they’ve kept going for this long. That’s a feat in itself,” Greg told reporters gathered at the scene. “But the stuff they’ve been churning out recently is, frankly, shit.”
By “the stuff they’ve been churning out recently,” Greg is referring to his children’s general lack of achievement in education, work, or any other sphere.
“Madison is in, what, ninth grade now? And I’ll say it, she’s kind of annoying,” he continued, lighting a cigarette.
“Now, the early years, though. Those were fantastic,” Greg said, his eyes glazing over in remembrance. “They put out some of their best stuff at the time. I mean, first steps? Those were fantastic. And they were so unknown, you know? I felt like I was introducing them to everyone.”
Sources confirm Greg was introducing them to everyone, as they were children no one knew yet. Part of the reason he is so partial to their “earlier stuff” is because everyone seems to know them now, which “makes it no fun.”
“Yeah, of course he liked the early years,” Greg’s wife, Rhiannon Fredrickson, told reporters. “He only showed up after work, and he always brought candy.”
“I’d arrive at 6, 7 p.m. every night, and they’d be so excited to see me,” Greg continued. “I’d give them some Pixi Stix or a lollipop, hand them off to their mom, and turn in for the night. It rocked.”
Rhiannon confirms it did not rock for her.
“They used to push the boundaries, really make an interesting sound,” Greg said, referring to his children’s early screams and cries. “And these days, I’ve just heard it all before, you know? They’re coming out with sounds like ‘I hate you’ and ‘Get out of my fucking room.’ Where’s the ingenuity? Where’s the range? Where’s the secret meaning? It’s disappointing really.”
“The secret meaning?” 16-year-old Jonah weighed in. “The secret meaning is that I want him to get the fuck out of my room and stop referring to me like some idiot 70s band. Y2k was 20 years ago, asshole, grow up.”
Sources confirm reporters winced as Jonah said this and started to feel a bit of sympathy for Greg, which was really saying something considering Greg also sounded like a shit dad.
At press time, Greg decided to give the newer stuff a chance. He immediately gave up upon meeting 14-year-old Madison’s boyfriend.
“A new member of the band? Absolutely not.”
