The holidays are a time for giving, and also for fixing those you love through gifts that ought to improve them and fix their most essential damage. And who needs a little pick-me-up in the form of a transformative gift more than the fatally flawed woman who raised you? You know your mother’s quirks and defects better than anyone, so give her a present she’ll maybe love, but that mostly will help her be less of a nervous wreck and humiliating mess all the time.
Curvy High-Waist Skinny Ankle Jeans in Dark Rinse Wash (LOFT, $69.50)
Why can’t she just buy normal, simple pants? Her usual jeans bag out in weird places and don’t sit right on her hips and have a really weird wash and when you try to explain it to her, she says, “I can’t wear those tight short ones that you girls wear or my butt will hang out,” even though that’s not what you’re trying to get her to do AT ALL. So give her these socially acceptable pants that are still for moms, even fashion-inept moms like yours.
Zipcode Design Heated Massage Chair (Wayfair, $207.99)
Your mom is so tense. Like, can’t-shut-up-about-your-lack-of-health-insurance-for-one-single-meal tense. Get her this massage chair with the money you saved on health insurance premiums and help her to just focus on her for a while. Plus she can stick this in that corner of her room that “she doesn’t know what to do with” and maybe just shut up about that for once.
A List of the Stories She’s Already Told You (You, $0)
For the girl on a budget, a handmade gift is a great option. And what better way to help your mom this year than with a list of all the stories she’s told you recently that she can reference before she calls you up? Have you heard about the thing Karen at work did with the copier? That British show she’s been binge watching on Netflix and “thinks you would like”? How your dad keeps forgetting to move the garbage can before he backs out of the driveway? YES, NINE TIMES A YEAR. Write these all down neatly in a cute little journal that she can add to whenever she tells you a new whopper about how her keys were in her purse the whole time.
Barefoot Contessa: Back to Basics (Barnes & Noble, $26.53)
Your mom’s chicken is so dry and her vegetables are so hard. You tried to explain this to her last year but she huffed out of the kitchen saying, “Maybe you could make the holiday meal for once.” Luckily, Ina Garten’s soothing tones and cheerful “this isn’t hard” vibe can get your point across for you. Do not buy the Kindle version, because her Kindle “hasn’t been working right” for three years and you don’t want to get into that. And don’t get her a DVD of the TV show because she “can never find the clicker” when she needs to pause “that thing”.
A Hug (Years of Therapy, sliding scale)
Go ahead. Just try. You two may never have shown direct affection to each other in your entire life, but a hug is both physically possible and not illegal. What’s the worst that could happen? Take your arms and put them around her, hold for a second, then return to start position. Then, wait for the healing to come. If it doesn’t, you can go right back to focusing on the small, dumb, embarrassing stuff she’ll do during the rest of Christmas morning. Ugh. What a waste.
You have a lot to teach your mom about how to be more normal and less annoying. Get her one of these helpful gifts that will hopefully get her on track for once!
