In a near fatal incident earlier this morning, Houston resident Samantha Oni looked at a candid photo of herself taken by her boyfriend Theo Reid.
Oni had no idea that her life was about to be utterly disrupted when she asked Reid to see the photographs he had taken over their vacation to Vancouver. That’s when she discovered the tragic shot Reid had snapped of her on the porch of their Airbnb.
“In retrospect it sounds so crazy,” said Oni. “But part of me even thought I might get a new profile picture out of the collection. Now that I know what I actually look like, I guess I’m going to be one of those people whose profile pictures are just funny dogs or anime characters.”
“More shocking still,” Oni continued, “is the fact that the creator of that monstrosity — my boyfriend, Theo — still claims to love me. I should probably just end things preemptively.”
Reid, however, did not share Oni’s perspective on the photograph in question.
“I don’t know what Samantha’s talking about,” said Reid. “I love that picture. It captures such a happy memory we shared together.”
When news of this sentiment reached Oni, her heartbreak reportedly transformed into anger.
“That picture will never signify a happy memory,” Oni said. “It only reminds me of the day I discovered my relatively solid self-esteem was a delusion.”
Luckily, Oni has retained a support system during this disaster in spite of her boyfriend’s callous disregard for the severity of the situation.
“What Samantha went through today was a harrowing episode that she won’t just recover from overnight,” Oni’s friend Mischa Landau confirmed. “I hope everyone will give her the privacy she deserves while she sorts through the debris of this explosive encounter with her face.”
“Mirrors and selfies have obviously been lying to me all this time,” said Oni. “Right now, I think I just need to go off the grid for a while and get in touch with the me that lies behind my facial asymmetry.”
Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Oni!
