Cool! The Dude Who Asked You To Absolve Him of Past Misconduct Is Succeeding While You Recover

In an unbelievable display of being the worst, 27-year-old Carl Bowler just got offered his dream job, even though a few months ago he asked you to absolve him of his past sexual misconduct with other women.


It’s so good that he can get his dreams while you’ve spent nights crying, doing your best to come to terms with the horrible things he asked you to forgive him for!


Carl, who went to architecture graduate school with you, recently reached near 300 likes with a Facebook post informing his friends that he is joining renowned architecture firm Lowmann & Sons Architects as a junior partner.


At the end of the post he wrote, “I’ve been focused and clear-headed these past few months to achieve my goals. And now, I am proud to say it all paid off.”


Sure, he cornered you at a party to tell you an upsetting story about a woman crying after he took things a step too far in bed then said, “But that was okay, right?” before returning to the party to dance. And now, you are now stuck wrestling with the devastating fact that he wanted you to absolve him of a nonconsensual sexual encounter.


But who cares! Let’s celebrate this guy who is guaranteed a long career and will now be officially making six figures!


Friends of Carl have been quick support him, no matter what, because of his newfound success.


“Carl? No, he’s a good guy,” says old friend Franco Marcezi. “People are just trying to tear him down cause they’re threatened by his abilities. Go Carl! Don’t let anyone wreck your vibe!”


“I feel for you, I really do,” says your mutual friend Liz Qualler. “But I can’t just cut Carl out of my life. He didn’t, like, abuse you or anything. I hope we can all put this past us and be friends again soon.”


Sounds like you’ll be dealing with the pain of his confession alone! Perfect!


When reached for further comment, Carl didn’t seem to remember the night in question.



“Oh, that was a fun night,” Carl said. “I was pretty drunk, I don’t really remember what happened.”


You’ve taken days off work, spent money going to therapy to discuss that moment, but no big deal, cause that moment was no sweat off of this cool dude’s back!


Go Carl! Reach for the stars, even if they don’t want you to touch them!