Immediately upon waking up this morning, 24-year-old young professional Isa Cortez bolted upright and texted every single one of her friends, “Happy 4/20!! It’s weed o’clock, bitch!” despite the fact that she will spend the entire day sober, working in her office.
As a first-year associate at an acclaimed marketing firm, Isa will spend most of the day compiling spreadsheets, calculating the R.O.I. of her company’s latest campaign, and generally being a productive, sober employee.
This did not stop her, however, from sending leaf emojis to every single person she knew in college and also her landlord, followed by a “sorry, wrong person” apology text.
“Do I long for the days of old when 4/20 really meant something? When I could wake up, immediately start smoking, and everyone knew not to contact me about serious matters? Absolutely,” she told reporters. “Did I spend most of today on Excel? Shut up.”
Isa maintains that she would have called out of work if she did not have a sort of big presentation coming up. She also really wants her boss to like her, which is sad in a different kind of way.
Most of Isa’s friends responded to her celebratory texts in kind, saying things like, “YES BITCH 4/20 FOREVER” and “SMOKING IS A LIFESTYLE NOT A HOBBY, BABY,” which makes no sense given that they all also have corporate, 9-to-5 jobs that pay well and have a no-tolerance policy for workplace drug use.
Isa’s roommate George Hall, however, replied that he wasn’t going to partake in 4/20 this year because he has to “deal with some family stuff.” Sources confirm Isa texted back “BOOOOOO” even though she was literally doing the same thing for a worse reason.
At press time, Isa texted her weed dealer, “Happy 4/20! Celebrating you and your craft today!” to which he responded, “Can you not contact me with trivial matters today? I’m actually working right now.”
