Everyone needs something to ease their pain after a heavy night of drinking. And while plenty of hangover cures exist, none of them heal one thing: revealing too much about yourself and your life story even when no one asked. So since we can only help you deal with your physical symptoms, here are some tried-and-tested hangover cures that can’t fix how you just told your life story to literally everyone.
The Prairie Oyster is a zesty hangover-curing cocktail that can never erase how you explained your parent’s divorce in detail to your coworkers at happy hour. Oops! Just let the combo of tomato juice and hot sauce fill your stomach with warmth until you remember everything you revealed to them even though they didn’t ask and had no intentions of asking. At that point, your stomach will be too full of much-deserved dread to fit any more beverages, or shame for telling them about that one night on the boat with your cousin and the flare gun? While a Prairie Oyster can’t undo the past, it might help your headache. So if that’s enough for you then go for it!
Advil-Topped Ice Cream
Advil-topped ice cream is a great cure if you’re too drunk to swallow medicine, but useless if you’ve lost control of your mouth in general and have just decided to let it run on about all the challenges you’ve faced in life up until now for some reason. Ugh, seriously, why did you say all that shit about your ex to a total stranger just because she was in the stall next to yours? She was a really good listener but you really have to stop doing this. This will make your body feel a little better but not your brain.
Milk thistle is an herbal treatment that will do nothing to reverse how you explained your birth story to the bartender, then drunkenly charted the rest of your life’s journey with the determination of a dying sailor following the North Star. Only your bartender is also on the boat with you, and she’d rather die at sea than continue listening to you talk. Still, you should try taking this supplement because it will protect your endangered liver from everything except everything you say. Have you ever tried taping your mouth shut? If not, get some duct tape and give it a go after you pop one of these softgels in!
Ah, bananas! They’re chock full of potassium—the perfect mineral to regulate your fluid levels but not the hot personal garbage that just flows out of your mouth whenever the entire timeline of your life pops into your head. Try to eat one the night you’re drinking and then one the morning after for the biggest effect on your pride: None whatsoever, because bananas can’t go back in time to take back your non-sequitur rant about why all dads should seek therapy. However, bananas are extremely yummy. Eat a few of them anyway just for the taste. You’ll feel physically healthier, even if your brain is still shouting, “Why?!”
Just go back to sleep. Please. For all of us.
When you’re suffering from a hangover, use any one of these remedies to heal everything except how you told everyone your life story. As far as that goes, good luck!