It’s the worst feeling—you head to brunch with your kicky new pixie, and the first thing James snipes over his mimosa is, “I loved you in Yentl.” Nothing feels worse than having your hair judged by your sassiest gay friend. To protect yourself from all that shade, here are some impossible-to-criticize looks that’ll have you putting the “hag” back in “shag”!
The Shoulder-Length Bob.
There isn’t a lot going on here, but sometimes being a basic bitch is the best way to keep the bitch at bay. When Craig asks if you need to jet to get the kids from soccer practice, distract him with gossip that your spin instructor’s décolletage chemical peel makes her chest look like an open-faced Arby-Q.
Yes, it’s dated and a little high-maintenance, but so are you (this is what Xander and Toph are going to say behind your back, anyway). Claim it’s kitschy, and then discuss your favorite of Chandler’s weight fluctuations over sushi with Aiden. Could your hair be any less the center of attention?
Once again, this is a comforting, yet boring place—like watching Golden Girls while drinking Diet and Bacardi in your jammies. Remember that you can always liven things up by playing “Whip My Hair” by Willow Smith, and then discuss how big you think her dad’s dick is with Steven.
A Cool Waterfall of Icy-Blonde.
Also called The Gwyneth, this coif rarely incites gay male bitchery, so long as you keep it keratin-straightened and colored bi-monthly by the pros. If Gavin even dares make a crack about the amount you must spend on hair “goop,” mildly suggest that a juice cleanse might alleviate his post-Fire Island water retention.
With these chic styles, you’ll be ready to meet up at any cocktail bar—or even try on jeans at the place with no mirrors, only judgment—without fear of criticism of your hair. So go ahead, girl—book your appointment with Mateo, and don’t let him push the Davines product too hard, even though you “look overprocessed.” You’ve got this.