Fans of meaningless connection are rejoicing today, as the group text you were involuntarily added to during a night out two years ago celebrates its 500th consecutive day of being active nonstop.
“We’re just so proud to have brought such a lovely group of people along with us for this historic milestone,” said your friend Jane, creator of the group chat and one of its most active members. “Who could have guessed that a group trip to Taco Bell at midnight 500 days ago would lead to something so beautiful?”
Sources confirm Jane established the group chat against the will of its 15 members in order to take orders for the Taco Bell run, but some suspect she had the covert intention of maintaining contact with everyone there for way longer than was appropriate.
“The group chat is never not active,” you told reporters, massaging your temples. “My phone buzzes every nine minutes exactly. It’s always buzzing. It buzzes throughout the night and every single hour of the day.”
You considered removing yourself from the group but didn’t want to seem rude. You also considered muting it, but you somehow finagled free Samia tickets from the chat six months ago and don’t want to miss a similar opportunity. Scientists estimate the odds of this happening again are below 10 percent.
As far as the content of the chat, it’s a mixture between breaking news, meaningless memes, and plans that never come to fruition.
A couple of weeks ago, another member of the chat – Max – texted, “Anyone want to take a trip upstate this weekend? Like this message if so!” and received exactly zero responses. This made everyone pretty sad, but not sad enough to respond.
“We don’t really know each other that well, you know?” you continued. “I liked seeing them for that one night, but I didn’t think it would turn into an ‘every day for the rest of my life’ situation.”
Jane and Max are the primary offenders refusing to let the group chat die. Everyone else considers themselves bystanders along for the ride.
“So proud of the group chat for reaching 500 days of contact!” said one member, Yuri. “Not too sure what goes on in there because I’ve had it muted for all 500 days, but congrats nonetheless!”
As of press time, you decided it was finally time to leave the group, no matter who it hurt. 30 minutes later, someone offered free tickets to MJ Lenderman.
