Glossier Announces New Line of Makeup For Women Not Already Beautiful

After becoming a success exclusively with models, future models and Instagram models, the makeup brand Glossier announced it will be expanding its line to include people without already flawless skin and thick yet feminine eyebrows.


“We are proud to announce Prettier, our new makeup line,” says naturally-radiant Director of Marketing, Emily Duvalois. “We have recently learned that there are women out there – real women – who don’t have raspberry-colored lips needing only the sheerest shine to play up their perfect fullness. There are women who can use a moisturizer, primer, and salve, and still not be a Los Angeles 9.”


“Some don’t even have beaches to get sun-kissed on,” she adds.


Prettier’s new line includes their first mascara, bronzers and blushes that will contain actual tints, and five different foundations made for people whose skin is not already perfectly dewy. In addition, the packaging that reads, “Skin first, makeup second, smile always” will read “Just try this, okay?”


“Our philosophy has been ‘Never hide! Let your spirit shine through!’” says lustrously-maned director of development Alison Kwan. “But, for some people, I guess that means gross stuff can shine through, too.”


Pre-order sales have been steady, as women who grew up crying after seeing their photos in their school yearbook have appreciated getting the attention of a company that previously catered only to those women who always won “Best Looking.”


Prettier’s undereye circle corrector, “Poor You,” is already on backorder.


But the new line has been met with criticism. Tweets from Glossier reading, “We love you too Uggos!” and another saying, “For all the Monets out there” next to a screenshot from the 1995 film Clueless, were deleted following complaints. Several beauty bloggers have also stated their disappointment.


“It’s good to know a popular brand is thinking of us butterfaces,” says freelance writer Heather Freer, a “5” on a good day. “But I wish they’d go further. The new mascara only comes in clear, and the Prettier foundation seems to be pretty much just argan oil? It doesn’t even cover up my acne scars.”


“And when I tweeted that at them,” adds Freer, “All I got back was, ‘What are acne scars?’”



Duvalois admits that the creation of the new line was a “challenging process,” and that the Glossier team is “learning as we go.”


“We used to test our products on ourselves, but we couldn’t do that this time,” explains Duvalois. “Even our IT people are beautiful.”


Despite any minor setbacks, Duvalois believes Prettier will be a great success.


“We really believe we are making the world a more beautiful place!” Duvalois says, with a smile that hurts to look at. “We even thought about donating some of the proceeds to a home for the less prominently cheekboned, but unfortunately those don’t exist.”