In a groundbreaking discovery out of Phoenix, AZ, geologists have found sedimentary buildup perfectly preserving the last three million years of the Earth’s history in the makeup brushes of 26-year-old woman Andie Nakamura.
“We have never seen anything like this before,” says Dr. Jill Martinez, the principal investigator of researchers working on this complex excavation. “This woman’s buffing brushes and makeup sponges appear to have layers and layers of sedimentary information, and we are still not sure where the end is. The more we dig, the more we are finding.”
A careful forensic analysis of Andie’s brushes has begun, revealing shocking geological findings.
Dusting off the top sedimentary layer, the researchers found Andie’s dead skin cells and sweat particles dating back to the last 5 years. Humid-moistened powders from having her COVID mask on, dust particles tracing back to presidential campaign rallies she attended in 2019, and residual mascara from her teary-eyed breakup 11 months ago were all perfectly preserved in the bristles.
“As we kept digging into the deeper layers of grime in the makeup brushes, we started seeing something truly remarkable,” said Dr. Martinez. “First, we found dust particles dating back to the Holocene epoch, which is the period of time when the woolly mammoth and other major megafauna went extinct.”
“I try to wash them regularly! I mean, I do it whenever I remember to,” said Andie, who has not once remembered to, literally not even once. “I probably wash them maybe once every two weeks? Three weeks at worst?”
So far, the furthest back the archaeologists have discovered are dust particles estimated back to the Cenozoic era, where the earliest swordfish are placed in the fossil record.
“Basically, this e.l.f. Kabuki Face Brush is like looking into a timeline of the evolutionary history of life itself,” said Dr. Martinez. “We are still reeling at the discoveries, and we thank Ms. Nakamura for donating her brushes and beauty blenders to our lab for further studies.”
When asked how she felt about her brushes creating an accidental fossil record of the history of the Earth, Andie said: “My sink is just so far from where I keep my brushes, so I guess it was bound to happen. I’m happy to further the cause of human knowledge!”
Having donated all of her makeup brushes to science, Andie has since purchased new brushes, and reported awe at remembering how clean bristles feel on her cheeks. At press time, sources confirm her lifelong skin problems disappeared overnight.
