Hey, there! First of all, we want to say thank you for clicking the link. It’s an important first step, and we’re grateful, and but there’s still work to be done. You see, we could have loaded this headline with false promises about making your body a different body, scandalous revelations about child stars (number 4 will shock you!), banana secrets, or historical photos that you’ll never be able to unsee, but it all feels a little insincere.
That’s why we’re going to level with you, adult to adult, and just say fuck it: If you don’t send this to seven people, you’ll never find love. Sorry.
Most clickbait is at best desperate manipulation and at worst a mirror held to your most depraved, voyeuristic yearnings. That’s why we’re cutting out all that bullshit and just telling you point-blank, you have to send this link to a minimum of seven friends and/or acquaintances, and if you don’t, you will absolutely die alone. “Haha, very funny!” you might think. But is it very funny? And do you want to find out? You can probably pass it off as a joke to the seven people you send it to…so why not play it safe, right?
The last thing we want is to “trick” you or play games, which is exactly why we’re simply putting our hands up and saying “share this content and up our ad revenue, or you will never again know the human joy of companionship.” You’ll still go on first dates. Some will even become second dates. Things will look promising; you’ll laugh again. But the laughter will stop. Resentment, incompatibility, even tragic accidents will all come in the way of each connection that crops up, and you’ll think to yourself, “Is this all because I didn’t send that article to seven people that one time?” The thought will fester, driving you madder than the solitude itself. So, like, just send this to your sister, your three real friends, and a few coworkers!
If you’re still unconvinced, really we just feel sad. We did try to warn you. You may think we’re preying on insecurity, stooping to the brazen fear-mongering of middle school text chains promising gruesome death if you failed to become a tool of terror and spread the poison yourself. But it’s not that! It’s just silly and fun. Are we saying you’re going to die alone? Are we definitely saying that? Did we repeatedly say that?
The point is, this worked when we were 13 and we really hope it works now because our livelihoods depend on it. Now go on and tag your little friends, or else you’ll be cursed to a lifetime of unenthusiastic oral sex.
