Fuck! Hike Has Elevation

In a devastating turn of events out of Los Angeles, CA, 22-year-old Danielle Burges just found out that the hike she agreed to go on has elevation.


Oh no!


“I didn’t think ‘hike’ meant I would have to traverse any closer to the sun than I already am,” Danielle told reporters. “I thought we would just be moving at a comfortable pace for a comfortable distance, all while remaining safely at sea-level. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we’d have to walk at a slight incline.”


“Mountains are for looking at and going, ‘Oh my god, what a beautiful mountain,’” Danielle continued. “Not for speed-walking to the top! The same goes for hills, mounds, and too-long staircases.”


Danielle’s friend Paloma – the one who invited her on the hike – says she was “surprised” by Danielle’s reaction and that she just assumed Danielle knew what a hike was.


“Did she just think we were going to be strolling through our neighborhood?” Paloma asked reporters. “I think everyone in the world would agree that’s a walk, not a hike. A hike is all about walking upwards along a remote dirt trail in the blazing sun until you don’t want to be alive anymore, not enjoying a couple of iced coffees and gabbing about the latest drama. I thought she knew that.”


Danielle told reporters that, no, she obviously didn’t know that, and now she’s worried for her life, as she is too fatigued to make her way back down the mountain and has been forced to make camp under a bush.


You got this, girl!



“Calling it a mountain is generous,” Paloma told reporters. “Plus, we haven’t even gone that far. We’re literally 600 feet away from our car, and she knows that.”


At press time, Paloma was forced to carry Danielle the rest of the way to her car after Danielle had succumbed to what she described as “calf owies.” Danielle vowed that the next “hike” she goes on will just be getting coffees and sitting on a bench “as God intended.”