In an unbelievably dull story out of a bar in Brooklyn, NY, the friend whose life is going well is contributing absolutely nothing to the conversation.
According to sources at the scene, 28-year-old Dana Malaghy actively listened while her friends delivered depressing but juicy monologues about their failing careers and fraught love lives, but when it came time for her to give a life update, all she offered was a sincere, “Everything’s great!”
“Her response was so boring it was almost diabolical,” said Dana’s friend Abby, who recently went through an extremely messy breakup and dutifully regaled her friends with every fucked up detail. “‘Everything’s great’? I’ve never experienced everything being great in my almost 30 years on this planet. What is she playing at?”
Dana told reporters that she was just being honest, and that she’s genuinely at peace with every facet of her life at the moment.
“It’s honestly sick how serene and unriddled with rage or envy she seems,” said Dana’s other friend, Shelby, who’s currently on the run from the IRS. “I even asked her how work was going – low-hanging fruit, right? Wrong. She launched into this respectfully concise explanation about how she just got a big promotion and ‘loves’ the work she’s doing and ‘is on good terms’ with all of her coworkers. I’ll never get those 15 seconds back.”
Abby agreed, telling reporters that Dana was so well-adjusted it viscerally brought down the mood.
“I was delivering this delicious little monologue about the time, manner, and location in which I got broken up with, and all Dana said was ‘Wow, I’m so sorry that happened, you deserve better than that.’ Fucked up, right? She didn’t even chime in with her own irrelevant but equally upsetting story. All she did was give me the number of a friend who she thinks I might hit it off with. It completely sucked all the manic, unhinged energy out of the room.”
Abby added that after Dana failed to deliver any noteworthy gossip or devastating anecdotes, they were forced to explore other topics of conversation.
“We just spent the better part of two hours discussing things we really enjoy and connecting over hobbies we share, laughing and taking pleasure in each other’s company in a really wholesome way. I’ve never felt more seen. Kill me, right?”
At press time, Abby and Shelby had just agreed to not invite Dana to the next hang, when Dana called, crying that she had been hit by a car while biking home from work after getting unexpectedly laid off. Her friends immediately insisted she leave the hospital against the advice of medical professionals and come meet them for drinks.
