Friend Using Social Distancing to Just Kinda Mean Whatever

Multiple friends have confirmed that 23-year old Hazel Schafer is using terms like “social distancing” to just kinda refer to literally whatever she wants.


Reports began when 35 friends received an Instagram DM inviting them to Schafer’s “socially distanced” birthday gathering.


“Make sure to keep your six feet of distance or whatever, haha,” the invite went on.


“At first I was like, oh cool maybe she has a backyard!” said Samira Maloof, an invitee to the party. “Then I realized it was a potluck inside her 300 square foot apartment and she told me to bring fondue. To share.”


Despite most of her friends strictly following quarantine measures by wearing masks, only going to work, and taking necessary outings, Schafer doesn’t seem to really know that’s what everyone else has been doing for nearly a year.


“We had a roommate movie night on Tuesday and she starts telling me about the indoor bar she went to,” said roommate Kendrick Hayes. “She went with like, ten people? And she kept being like, ‘they’re in my bubble.’


“She’s the only person in my bubble,” Hayes continued. “But I guess you can call your old coworker’s boyfriend your bubble. You can just say any words you want to, I guess.”


Schaefer has been vocal about the pandemic on social media. Over the holidays, she posted several pictures of her family with the caption “#COVIDChristmas.”


“I’m not sure what she does other Christmases,” said friend Amy Carpi. “But we’re talking like cousins, aunts uncles, and childhood best friends. I think I even saw her old high school ex sitting around the tree.”


“This pandemic may have us separated,” wrote Schaefer in a caption. “But that doesn’t mean we’re apart.”


“It literally does not mean they’re apart,” add Carpi.



When questioned, Schafer says she’s totally being safe.


“I’m being super, super careful,” said Schafer. “I’m quarantining, I’m sanitizing, I only see my friends on like, socially distanced walks.”


“At the mall,” she continued. “There’s nothing better than sharing a soft pretzel with friends.”


Friends are saying this isn’t the first time Schafer has just sort of said words regardless of what they mean.


“Did I tell you she’s flying to Mexico next week?” asked Maloof. “She keeps calling it a ‘quarantine trip.’ She’s going with her entire college sorority.”


Schafer insists the trip is “totally safe”.


“Can’t wait to spend a week with my bubble!” said Schaefer.