FitBit Announces New Sexual Activity Monitor

Earlier this week, San Francisco-based fitness device company FitBit announced the release of their latest device that monitors for users’ sexual activity. The monitor is the newest in FitBit’s line of digital, wearable activity monitors and is the first product of its kind.


The monitor sports the slogan: “Finally, a FitBit to keep your bit fit.”


The FitBit BootyBit, worn inside the vagina, tracks and quantifies all sexual encounters performed by the wearer and automatically syncs the information wirelessly to a laptop, tablet, smartphone, or secret fuck list. Wearers of the device will undergo a two-week trial where they maintain their sex life as normal for the monitor to familiarize itself with their everyday sexual activities, after which point the monitor will give the wearer personalized sexual activity goals to meet.


Goals are varied in difficulty and range from Midday Phone Sex, Halfhearted Birthday Sex, Blindingly Hot Breakup Sex, Celebrity Crush Fantasy Sex, and Arranged Marriage Wedding Night Sex. Upon achievement of these goals, the wearers will receive badges they are able to share with friends and family via social media. For best results, the monitor must be worn at all times, and is, of course, waterproof.


Early testers of the BootyBit expressed concern over several bugs in the device’s algorithm, including being incapable of reading the difference between second and third base and difficulty recording the actions of Mile High Club members during a flight due to being out of range. These bugs have reportedly been fixed, but FitBit emphasized that the monitor is still in beta, and that there are still some complications with the BootyBit calling out inappropriate things during sexual activity.


“I stopped using mine after it called my husband a ‘freaky bitch’,” says one user. “Now he won’t do standing sex anymore. Thanks a lot, BootyBit.”


However, some users have reported great success after using the device. “Finding out I can squirt would have been exciting enough on its own,” says another tester. “But being able to share the ‘Gusher’ badge on Facebook made it even better.”



FitBit founder and creator James Park released the following statement at a press conference in Silicon Valley:


We here at FitBit are proud to pave the way in a new generation of activity monitors.

Our team of innovators worked tirelessly to create what we can confidently say is the sexiest monitor on the market. When it comes to fooling around, we don’t fool around.”


The sexual activity monitor is expected to hit shelves later this summer, and will come fully equipped with a USB drive full of miscellaneous pornography, a small sample of Viagra, directions to the nearest gynecologist/urologist, and one ultra-thin condom