First Woman to Walk Upright Just Needed the Steps

Archaeologists have uncovered evidence that the first woman to walk upright just really needed to get her steps in before the end of the day.


“The discovery of calcium deposits in the bones of this early female Homo Erectus suggests that, if she hadn’t gotten up and walked around upright that day, she would have felt totally off for the rest of the week,” noted researcher Karina Nemstrom.


Scientists said that the prehistoric woman, whom they have named “Madison”, seemed to be wearing some sort of rudimentary wrist ornament, with thousands of tally marks etched onto its surface.


“At first we thought this was Madison’s way of keeping track of days, or even some sort of hunting tool,” said Nemstrom. “But we’ve now learned that it was simply how she reminded herself to get up and walk around upright because, if she didn’t, she wouldn’t hit her step count for the day, or ever. And she really needed those steps!”


Food remnants and cave drawings discovered near Madison’s bones suggest that she sometimes used the steps as a trade-off for certain indulgences. “If she hit her steps, then she could have dessert berries,” says Nemstrom. “But between you and me, sometimes she didn’t hit her steps, and she still had dessert berries.”


Archaeologists also uncovered the bones of other prehistoric females, whom it seems Madison frequently prodded to get out of the cave and get some steps with her.


Says Nemstrom, “It appears that, once Madison started walking upright to get her steps in, she gifted the same step-counting bracelet to all of her friends to motivate them to walk upright, too. While most of these early women probably thanked Madison for the gift, all signs indicate they ended up hiding the bracelet under big piles of random stuff in the backs of their caves and then telling her they lost it.”

One cave painting found at the dig site actually shows the moment Madison walked upright for the first time. In the painting, Madison stands up and then says to her girlfriends who are sticking sticks into a log to catch ants to eat, “I’m actually gonna go walk upright for a bit because I just really need the steps.”



According to Nemstrom, the discovery of the first woman to walk upright is definitely dampened by the discovery that, once Madison learned about steps, she wouldn’t shut up about them. That is, until she was mauled by a lion. But it was fine because she had already gotten her steps that day!