Father’s Day Gifts for Tiny Birds

Anyone can be a dad, even birds! Whether it’s the busy sparrow rustling around to feed his wet offspring in the nest outside your kitchen window, or an enterprising seagull who shits on your car every single day, the third Sunday in June is the time to let any male bird with bird children know how much he’s appreciated. Here are great gifts for the lil’ bird dad in your life.


Very Dry Clump of Grass

Bird dads are nothing if not consistent! They love classic all-American things, like building nests out of found natural materials that provide lightweight structure. A good-sized clump of very dry grass (very very dry grass clump good make nest warm) is a surefire crowd pleaser, if that crowd is a flock of bird dads! He’ll snatch it out of your hands and fly away while shitting liquid. It’s Dad’s day!

 1. clump of dried grass

Tuft of Dog Hair

If dad birds love one thing, it’s anything outside on the ground (big wide ground) that might provide insulation for his peeping young! Brush your Golden Retriever in the front yard and leave the rolling tumbleweeds of shed fur for your favorite bird dad to enjoy. He’ll wait for you to leave, then wait 45 minutes, then dart down and get hit by a car. Happy You Day, Dad!

 2. tuft of dog hair

Straight Twig

A classic straight twig is a tried-and-true way to get a bird dad smiling! (Some birds’ beaks curve upwards, which makes them look happy. Birds do not have moods.) Look around for a twig with the circumference of a piece of hay and the length of a cigarette. This will be good (very good tool poke poke poke) for the essential construction of the nest. Just leave it near your shed. He will rustle around in the dirt near the twig, then pick up the twig and fly into an impossibly small crack in the side of your house. Oh yeah, he likes it! Thanks for being a great dad!

 3. straight twig


Ahhh, nothing like a good midair bumblebee on a summer’s day! The sun-warmed crunch of its still-alive body is guaranteed to hit the spot—if you’re a dad bird, that is! Plant a few hydrangeas or lilac bushes in your yard, and vacate the area in the late afternoon (good shadows warm calm bees). If the birds are swoopin’, don’t come a-snoopin’! They’re eating bees. Now check out those dad bird bods!

 4. bumblebee



22” Charcoal Grill by Backyard Grill (Walmart.com, $39)

Regardless of species, all dads go gaga for a good quality grill. This Backyard Grill-brand grill is perfect for your backyard, which has far more birds these days. The warming area is great for toasting stale bread to throw to him and his buddies, and the 23-burger capacity will have him saying, “Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet, twit twit, tweeeeeeet, tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet, twit twit, tweeeeeeet, tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet, twit twit, tweeeeeeet, tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet, twit twit, tweeeeeeet.” He can live in here with his offspring! What a provider!

 5. grill

Panicking Worm

If you really want to go all out for bird dad’s special day, look no further than underneath that pile of extra bathroom tiles you stacked in your backyard. A nice, fresh, wet, upset worm from the cool mud under a flat surface is the perfect way to show bird dad you care. Leave the wriggling eyeless wretch on your driveway (big dark unsafe moving unsafe bad car) and your big guy will be swooping in for the kill before you’re even on the stoop! Thanks, bird dad!

6. panicking worm

These are just a few ways to tell the tiny bird dad in your life that his hard work is appreciated! Where would all the little baby birds and the crushed egg on the sidewalk be without you guys!