Football season’s in full swing and your man’s totally wrapped up in his fantasy team, which means the two of you are only projected to get it on six times this season. Don’t just stand on the sidelines like a third-string quarterback: snap into action by sweeping him up in a fantasy. A football fantasy!
TIMING
In football fantasies, timing is everything. Is it a Sunday, Monday, or Thursday? Well, then, absolutely forget it. The NFL’s on. Friday or Saturday? College games are on. If it’s a Tuesday or a Wednesday and he’s done picking players off of waivers, you’re ensured to have strong protection from interference, are not offsides or encroaching, and are likely to connect with your little wide receiver.
PREPARATION
Don’t rest in the “off-season” of your sexcapades. Get in shape and suit up. Intercept your guy donning a jersey of his favorite player. As a woman, your options for NFL apparel are oversized menswear or clothes constructed for a 12 year-old. In the former case, sex it up by not wearing pants, and in the latter, find an XXXL-size and take it off as soon as you can so you can breathe. Speaking of breathing, try donning a breathe-right strip.
REACHING FOR THE END ZONE
You’ve done the legwork. Now it’s time to take it down the field before he heads back to the couch. Ramp it up and tell him that you want to show him your “muffed punt.” This should really get the hurry-up offense going, and you’ll be ready for some bump-and-run coverage in no time. Call out sex plays with the enthusiasm and intensity of Peyton Manning. This will take your tackling, sacking and very intentional grounding, to a new level, and bring him to the end zone within minutes.
KEEPING SCORE
Create your own point system so you can keep him motivated week to week. Reward him for bold moves he might make, such as Gatorade showers and having an extra man on the field.
Now that you have your fantasy: football, you’ll find yourself with an eager new recruit for the bedroom.
