Adulting is hard—not only because it’s challenging work, but also because you have to make sure you do it better than everyone you know. But why show it through mature, responsible behavior when you can do it through fancy kitchenware? Stay on top of it with these sharp and fancy kitchen appliances that will help you assert your dominance over all of your friends.
Smarter Wifi Coffee Machine
This coffee machine is linked to your phone so you can have coffee made whenever you please. Invite your friends over and let that hit them in the face on the way in! Use brunch as an excuse to stuff them full of mimosas and parade them around your clearly superior kitchen. That’s what phone-controlled coffee makers are for! Bow down, for you are the one true adult in the room.
Elite Platinum 7-in-1 Pressure Cooker
This stainless steel machine will make a great addition to your countertop. It applies pressure to your food while simultaneously allowing your friends to apply pressure to themselves for not being as amazing as you. Amp up the jealz-factor by listing all seven settings on the appliance. Remember, the more uses your pressure cooker has, the more subservient your friend group will become. You can find this one on sale at Target, or pay full price on a fancier website if you wanna be a real dick about it.
Samsung Refrigerator with Family Hub
This fridge has a TV in it! This fridge has apps! Honestly, you could replace all your friends with this refrigerator, but you won’t because then you won’t have any friends left to loom over. Ask your friends to fetch you something quickly from the fridge to literally rub their noses in the fact that your fridge is better than any fridge they’ll ever have. Watch as they shrink in the face of your power.
XYZPrinting Food Printer
You don’t even know what a “food printer” is because no one knows what a food printer is. No one needs this, but you have it, and that’s what makes you better. This condescending purchase will be so absurd that you won’t even know how to lord it over them, but you’ll find a way. Watch as the waves of inferiority rush over their faces. Congratulations, you are now the reigning friend. Bask in the glory of how far you have come.
These are some of the best kitchen gadgets on the market for when you want your friends to think, “Wow, I guess she’s better than me in every way and I can go fuck myself.” The bonus? If you ever wanted to cook, they would make it easier, probably.
